


Does She Know That We Bleed The Same? (Don't Wanna Cry, But I Break That Way)

by nvmlynn



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Doctor Clarke Griffin, Endgame Clarke Griffin/Lexa, F/F, F/M, Fights, Heda Lexa, Hurt Lexa (The 100), Hurt/Comfort, Injured Lexa (The 100), M/M, Protective Clarke, Revenge, Soulmates Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Survival, lexa can literally run me over with a horse and i will continue to worship her, lexa is an emotional wreck lol, murphy is still a cocky bastard but we love him
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2020-02-08 11:55:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18622822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nvmlynn/pseuds/nvmlynn
Summary: Clarke Griffin is hurting.Clarke's heart bleeds red for every person she killed at Mount Weather.She wanders alone in the woods, facing her demons. She doesn't deserve to live, but she not ready to die. At least, not yet. However, fate has different plans. Roan kom Azgeda captures her, and brings her before the one person that she had never wanted to see again.Lexa kom Trikru is crumbling.Lexa's heart bleeds black for every time she chooses her head over her heart.She sits on her throne, commanding an army she did not ask for, worrying over problems that should have never existed in the first place. She decides to take the matters into her own hands. No longer will fate control her. She will find Clarke one way or another, even if she cannot leave Polis.It takes Clarke and Lexa far too long to realize that under the light of dawn, red and black aren't so different.





	1. Jus Drein, Jus Draun

**Author's Note:**

> WELCOME CLEXAKRU
> 
> THIS IS MY FIRST FANFIC FORGIVE ME FOR ANY STUPID MISTAKES
> 
> I LOVE LEXA CLARKE AND CLEXA. AHHH
> 
> okay that's enough for now, enjoy.

Clark was sick of fighting.

It was her fourth day at Polis after she’d been captured by Roan and brought before Lexa. Despite being a prisoner, she had been treated fairly well by Lexa; she had a comfortable second floor room in the Commander’s tower and her guards brought her different types of foods and drinks, prepared baths and clothing for her, and even offered to keep her company. And that was what caused an uproar.

Somehow, word had gotten out about her arrival, the presence of Wanheda, the legendary Commander of Death, and the grounder citizens were stirring. Clarke only been in the streets one time, but everyone seemed to recognize her. Some grounders praised her for bringing down the mountain, but others cursed at her, growling about how the Skaikru burned their loved ones alive.

It got to the point were Lexa had to move Clarke to higher floors because people were trying to throw rocks into her room. “For safety”, Lexa stated.

People were now also constantly demanding to fight Wanheda. Her main guard, Tori, explained that the people believed that if they killed Clarke, they would gain her powers to control death. The thought of that made Clarke sick. At times, Clarke could hear their chanting in the streets, even from 10 stories up. She was starting to feel sick, from both the claustrophobia of her room, and the chanting of the people.

Therefore, when the guards finally led her out of the guest room and up to the throne room, Clarke was relieved, and even the slightest bit joyful.

Lexa was sitting on her throne, war paint and armor on, playing with her dagger. It gave Clarke feelings of deja vu, of the first time she met Lexa. However, this was different; somehow Lexa was so deep in thought that she didn’t even realize Clarke had entered.

“Lexa,” Clarke started softly. Lexa glanced up in surprise, narrowing her eyes but then relaxing once she realized it was Clarke. Clarke’s defenses went up at Lexa’s went down, realizing and remembering what Lexa had done to her— how Lexa had abandoned Skaikru and Clarke herself at the Mountain, how she even sent someone to capture Clarke. Clarke cleared her throat in a mask of anger, coldly stating, “Sorry, I meant Heda.”

At that, Lexa frowned, unsure of how to react. It seemed that Clarke’s mood changed like the weather. Lexa stood slowly and took a few steps toward Clarke. She nodded at the guards in the room, including Tori, and they exited, leaving the two young leaders alone.

“Klark,” Lexa began to speak, but Clarke cut her off.

“Cut to the point, Heda,” Clarke growled, her hands clenched into fists. Clarke realized that she probably wasn’t too intimidating in front of the Commander, but she could still try.

Lexa signed and swept her gaze over Clarke’s face. Clarke’s blue eyes glared back at her angrily. Lexa took another deep breath, “Queen Nia of Azgeda has challenged me to a single-combat to death for control over Polis.” She turned and walked over to a melting candle, her cloak sweeping behind her. Lexa examine the candle’s flame, before quickly blowing it out. “I accepted. The fight will begin shortly.”

At those words, Clarke felt like throwing up. Sure, she hated Lexa for her actions, but she still cared for the Commander. Lexa was also the only way for Skaikru to achieve peace with the grounders.

“Why?” Clarke nearly choked on her words. She wasn’t ready to lose another person she cared about.

Lexa settled down on her throne once more. “To protect my people”, she replied quietly. The next phrase was so softly whispered that Clarke almost misses it.

“And to protect yours.” Then, Lexa grew serious and faced Clarke, speaking solemnly, “Listen Clarke. Queen Nia has chose Roan the Prince of Azgeda to fight be her champion. It is a fight to death, and if I am to die—”

“No.” Clarke interrupted. “That won’t happen. Can’t you have someone take your place? Choose someone to be your champion?”

“Clarke!” Lexa exclaimed, rising to her feet and hushing the blonde. “Listen to me. _**Ai laik heda**_ ( _I am the Commander_ ), and no one fights for me. If I am to die Queen Nia will have your head. She will annihilate your people, and my people, one at a time. If am to lose, you must take my black mare that is the side of the tower and run as far as you can.” Lexa was shakily pacing back and forth now, and Clarke tried to remain upright, as her mind yelled at her legs to give out. Lexa continued, “Go seek help with Niylah in the woods, she will help. Go as far as you can, I can’t let what happened to Costia…”

At that, the young commander’s voice broke and she nearly collapsed back onto her throne before putting her face into her hands, murmuring the name “Costia” quietly to herself.

Clarke had not idea what to do, and hesitantly approached Lexa and wrapped an arm around Lexa. Lexa sniffled and stiffened under Clarke’s touch. “Who’s Costia?” Clarke asked, half whispering. She rubbed circles into Lexa’s back and shoulders, calming Lexa a bit. “What exactly happened?”

However, Lexa got to her senses and realized what she had just down. She’d let her walls down. In front of a Skaikru leader, too. Lexa wiped her tears away and stood abruptly.

“I must to prepare for the fight,” Lexa said, all Heda-like again. She strode over to a chair and picked up a cloak before thrusting it into Clarke’s hands. “Use this and keep away from the crowds. Make sure no one recognizes you, and only, only, pull the hood down if I win.” With that, and one last eye-lock with Clarke’s sky blue eyes, Lexa turned, whipping her cloak behind her and swept out of the throne room.

Clarke wasn’t sure how she was supposed to feel.

-100-100-100-

*About an hour later*

“In single combat there is but one rule. Someone must die today. You may begin,” Titus, the flamekeeper announced as Clarke’s heart pounded.

She’d donned the cloak that Lexa had given her, and was peering over the shoulders of people to see the fighting area. Across from her a small podium where Lexa’s general’s (Clarke recognized Indra), Queen Nia, and the Flamekeeper sat. Next to Queen Nia were two burly-looking Ice Nation guards with scarred faces and a younger girl who also bore facial scars and Ice Nation colors, grey and white.

Meanwhile, Lexa and Roan were charging at each other, exchanging blows from their different weapons, Lexa with her double blades, and Roan with his single sword. For a few moments, it was Roan attacking and Lexa on defense, but then, Lexa began to fight back. She used one sword to parry Roan’s strike and the other to slash across Roan’s chest. At the very last moment, Roan twisted to the side, and Lexa’s blade only gave a shallow cut to Roan’s left arm. He moved to the side, away from Lexa, taking a deep breath. The two warriors took a few seconds to catch their breath.

Queen Nia, however, was not as patient. She caused a ruckus on the podium, yelling at her son to attack, and how if her won, he would be able to return to Azgeda.

Roan struck again, this time going for Lexa’s left side. After two more strikes, their blades caught— Roan’s blade striking down from the top and Lexa’s in an X shape under Roan’s sword.

Clarke watch anxiously as Lexa trembled at the force of Roan’s blade. Lexa had speed, but Roan had strength.

Roan, sensing Lexa’s struggle, took advantage of the standstill and pushed harder, causing Lexa to lose her balance a little. With that Roan kicked her in the chest, causing her to drop a sword and fly back onto the ground. The crowd release a small wince. However, Lexa was immediately back on her feet and this time, in a different battle stance to adjust to one sword. Roan kick the sword on the ground away from the battle area and toward the podium.

Again, they attack each other. With one blade, Lexa was even faster than before, and within no time, she’s disarmed Roan, letting his sword fly toward the podium and land upright next to Queen Nia’s seat.

“It does not have to be this way,” Clarke heard Lexa speak to Roan. “Surrender to the commander. We all want peace.” Roan, encouraged by Queen Nia’s comments of “she’s lying” and “you can return home”, wretched a spear out of a guard’s hand and struck Lexa again. Lexa used her single blade to deflect it, but Roan struck downward witht eh spear and managed to land a fairly deep cut into Lexa’s left thigh.

Clarke winced as she watched Lexa favor her right leg and press her free hand to the spilling black blood.

Roan struck again, but Lexa’s movements were slower, now that she was losing a lot of blood. With a few strong hits and a kick to the bad thigh, Roan had forced Lexa’s blade out of her hands and left her gasping in pain. The blade was kicked to the side again, and they circled each other in the center of the small area. At one point, Lexa’s eyes caught Clarke’s, and Clarke realized how unfocused Lexa’s gaze was.

She’s losing too much blood, Clarke thought to herself, chewing on her bottom lip.

However, Lexa’s moment of distraction was what Roan needed. He whipped his spear around and knocked Lexa right in the chest, causing her to fall to the ground hard on her back. Roan stood over Lexa, preparing to spear her right through the chest. For once, Lexa was showing emotion on her face; she looked almost… scared.

Clarke couldn’t look away. She knew that she should’ve been leaving, but she couldn’t tear her eyes from the sight of the injured warrior on the ground.

As Roan drove the spear down, Lexa twisted to the side so that the spearhead only struck the ground. Using the momentum from the twist, Lexa twisted back and locked her legs around Roan’s right calf, causing him to fall off balance and lose hold of his spear. Immediately, Lexa scrambled for the spear, while Roan struggled to get back on his feet. However, just as Roan got back up, he was knocked back down by Lexa, who’d done the same strike as he had previously, using the spear butt to knock him down.

Roan was also well-prepared, and immediately grabbed hold of the spear’s end and yanked it up as he fell. Lexa, on the other hand, was caught by surprise, and the spear’s pole jerked up, as she was holding it with her left hand, and twisted her upper arm and shoulder in an awkward angle, causing her to cry out in pain. The crowd was shocked by the Commander’s display of pain.

Clarke knew that it was a bad injury— she could tell from Lexa’s expression and the angle of the ar. Lexa was nearly wheezing and her face was contorted into a tight grimace.

Still, Lexa charged. Roan faced her with the spear, but Lexa was much quicker. Even with one arm, she disarmed Roan as he made a sloppy strike, and within moments, she had him on his back with the spear point at his chest.

A chant rose in the crowd. “ _ **Jus drein, jus daun**_.” Clarke didn’t understand Trigadasleng, but she recognized the cry: “Blood must have blood.”

Titus raised a hand for silence, and the crowd hushed. Queen Nia looked outraged.

“ _ **Jus drein, jus daun**_ ,” Lexa announced authoritatively, slowly pulling away from her position over Roan. Several people in the crowd gasped, realizing that she would not kill Roan.

Instead, Lexa did something more shocking— she turned abruptly and launched the spear at Queen Nia. The Queen looked down to see the shaft protruding from her stomach. Her cold eyes snapped up to meet Lexa’s.

From her neck, tucked inside her collar, Lexa produced a small necklace with a ring. She slowly lifted it in front of her. Several people in the crowd gasped, recognizing the necklace. Queen Nia’s eyes widened in surprise, also clearly recognizing the necklace. "For Costia," Lexa spoke harshly, "and every warrior you took from Trikru.” 

At this, Clarke realized that the crowds had gone silent. The Queen slowly bled out, choking on her own curses, her eyes never leaving Lexa’s dark gaze.

When the queen closed her eyes for the last time, Lexa put away the necklace, tucking it somewhere in her shirt, and offered her good arm to Roan, who gladly accepted it. She helped him up and announced to the crowd, “Hail, King Roan of Azgeda.” She nodded to Roan, who nodded back. “Long live the king,” the crowd began to chant. After a few moments, Lexa raised her good arm for silence. When the crowd quieted, she lowered her arm.

“Let it be known,” Lexa announced, her project projecting over the people. “Anyone who challenges Wanheda challenges Heda as well. That is it. Go home now.” The crowds parted, leaving Lexa and Roan alone in the arena. Those who were on the podium stayed as well, cleaning up the mess around the deceased queen; however, the Ice Nation girl was nowhere to be seen.

Clarke made her way over to the podium. By the time she got there, Lexa had told the others two things; one, that the she would have a meeting with the ambassadors about Ice Nation tomorrow, and that nobody will harm any Skaikru, including Wanheda, if they did not want to face the commander’s wrath. Clarke stood a safe distance from the guards and the ambassador who slowly trudged away, carrying the queen’s body. That left Roan, Lexa and Titus alone.

Lexa glanced hesitantly at Titus before speaking softly to Roan, “You fought well, as usual, Roan. Go. Return as the King of Azgeda.” Her voice softened even more. “And…” she swallowed thickly feeling Titus’s burning gaze on her. “And if you find any Trikru bodies, return them to us.” Lexa wanted to say Costia’s body, but she knew that Titus would never stop telling her to get over Costia. But she could not get over Costia, not until she’s finally freed Costia’s spirit.

Thankfully, Roan got the underlying message and thanked Lexa once more, saying, “It is an honor to work with you, Heda.” He hesitated before stating, “My people may not realize it, but my life will forever be in debt to you.” He put out his right arm, the Trikru way, and extended it toward Lexa, who took it without hesitation with her good arm. They said their farewells, and Roan left Lexa and Titus alone.

“Heda,” Titus chide, “ _ **Hodnes laik kwelnes**_.” ( _Love is weakness_ ) Lexa sighed, knowing that Titus had also noticed her underlying meaning.

Lexa shifted between her good and bad legs, making sure they were not being overused. Titus noticed her discomfort and told her to go back inside the Tower, stating that he had duties to attend to. Lexa obeyed, quietly limping down the street, cradling her left arm.

Clarke watched as the guards at the tower entrance offered Lexa help, but she pushed both of them away. Then, Clarke decided to get a healer.

Within minutes, Clarke was rushing into the tower behind Alisa, a healer. The guards originally were going to stop her, but Alisa ordered them not to. The two of them rushed up to Lexa’s room. When they got there, there were already two guards stationed beside the door. They allowed Alisa in, but held Clark back. Alisa rushed in, not caring about Clarke waiting outside, telling Clarke not to argue.

Meanwhile, Lexa was blindly using a bandage to wrap up the bleeding of her left thigh. There were stars dotting her vision, and her left arm was almost numb from pain.

“Heda,” Alisa’s voice jerked Lexa’s gaze up. Alisa stood at the entrance with her medical bag, her eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“I’m alright,” Lexa stated forcing herself to stand upright. “You can go Alisa.”

“But Lexa,” Alisa protested, seeing black blood splattered over Lexa’s pants and armor. Lexa’s gaze hardened. She couldn’t be seen as weak. Not even the healers.

“Did you not hear?” Lexa spoke harshly. “Get out!” Lexa said the last two words with such force that she knew for a fact that the guards could hear and would come stomping in if Alisa didn’t go soon.

“Sha, Heda,” (Yes, Commander) Alisa said softly, before turning and trudging out of the room. Lexa breathed a sigh of relief when she heart the door close.

However in the hallway, Alisa was already giving her medical bag to Clarke and having the guards let the young Skaikru medic in.

Clarke walked softly into the main area, and saw Lexa propping herself up against the table, using cloth binding to relocate her elbow and shoulder. Clarke watched in horror as Lexa failed miserably and collapsed to the ground, releasing a quiet moan.

“Lexa!” Clarke exclaimed. She gripped Lexa’s good shoulder and pulled her up so she was sitting on the table. Thankfully, there was nothing else on the table. Lexa was almost unconscious as Clarke moved her onto the bed. Lexa’s face contorted with pain when her bad shoulder touched the bed. Clarke piled extra cloth under the arm, knowing that the pressure was causing the pain.

“Klark?” Lexa asked softly. Clarke’s blue eyes met Lexa’s unfocused and dazed green ones. “It is Klark, right?” Lexa tried to get up when Clarke didn’t reply, which caused Clarke to quickly state, “Yes, Lexa, it’s me, I’m here.” Lexa calmed at the sound of Clarke’s voice.

“Lexa, this is going to hurt,” Clarke said. Using a knife, she cut off part of Lexa’s pants so she could work on the thigh wound. She gingerly got a cup of water from Lexa’s makeshift “kitchen” and began cleaning out the wound with a clean cloth from Alisa’s bag. After using water, she used alcohol, which got a loud reaction from Lexa.

Lexa had been quiet, making sure not to express any weakness while Clarke cleaned her wound. However, she had not expected the alcohol, or how much it would sting. The sting felt worse than actually getting the wound, and Lexa cried out in pain and surprise, before abruptly cutting herself off.

Clarke understood Lexa was reluctant to show weakness, but nevertheless, she told Lexa, “It’s okay, I know it hurt. Let is out, I’m the only one here.” Lexa bit her lip and kept quiet.

Clarke finished cleaning the wound and stitched it up. Lexa didn’t make any noise at all, even with the stiches. Clarke finished up by wrapping clean cloth around the wound. However, when she looked up to Lexa’s face, she realized that Lexa was about to pass out. She quickly wiped her hands clean.

“Hey, Lexa,” Clarke said, cupping the commander’s face in her palms. The young commander’s eyes opened, but they were wide and unfocussed. “I need you to stay awake for a little longer as I fix up your elbow and should, alright?” Lexa didn’t react at first, but then she nodded.

Lexa had already removed her outer armor, but Clarke realize that her layers of clothing were going to get in the way. She slowly helped Lexa up into a sitting position and removed her tops, until Lexa was left in just chest-bindings. Clarke was hesitant to touch Lexa directly, but did so anyways, moving Lexa’s arm little by little, pressing her hand to Lexa’s shoulder. Lexa’s skin was getting feverish and her muscles were quivering.

After a few more moments, Lexa finally said “stop” to Clarke. However, Clarke ignored her and continued, still feeling how dislocated the shoulder was. Lexa’s breathing sped up rapidly before she decided she couldn’t take it anymore.

“ _ **Em pleni, Klark**_! ( _That’s enough, Clarke!_ ). Lexa barked, biting back the pain. She tried to push CLarke away with her good arm, but she didn’t have any strength to do so. The pain was blinding and she felt as though her arm was being ripped off.

Clarke looked over to see Lexa’s eyes closed in pain. She was pushing all that she could, but it seemed as if Lexa’s arm was stuck. Lexa’s teary voice jerked Clarke out of her thoughts.

“ _ **Beja, Klark**_ ,” ( _Please, Clarke_ ) Lexa cried out weakly as another wave of pain flooded her mind. “Please, stop.” Lexa pleaded, dropping her facade. A tear ran down her cheek.

Clarke felt her heart aching for the vulnerable girl under the all-powerful Heda. “I can’t,” Clarke said, re-adjusting her position. “It’s only going to get worse if I do, Lexa.” She watched as Lexa curled her right fist into her furs in agony, with tears down her cheek.

“She needs a distraction,” Clarke thought. Without a second thought, Clarke leaned in and kissed Lexa on the lips. Immediately, she felt Lexa’s body relaxed into the bed and the muscles on her shoulder loosened. Clarke’s heart fluttered when she felt Lexa kiss back, and almost stopped doing her job. However, a dull pop from Lexa’s shoulder jerked Lexa away from Clarke. It meant that her shoulder was back in place now. Clarke watched worriedly as Lexa rolled over to her side, clutching her bad arm. Clarke softly rolled the commander back to face her.

“Klark,” Lexa whispered another tea trailing down her cheek. Clarke wiped it away, but more followed. “I—” Lexa choked out the words, “My elbow.” Clarke gently pulled Lexa’s arm from her chest and set the elbow back in place. It was much quicker than the shoulder, but it still must’ve hurt.

Lexa, on the other hand, still was not doing too good. Clarke had notice that her face was pale, and when she presse dheer hand to Lexa’s forehead, she realized that Lexa was burning up with a fever. She began to pull her hand away, but Lexa grabbed it with her good arm.

“Do not leave me again, Costia, “Lexa muttered deliriously , her eyes barely open. Clarke hesitantly considered letting go of her hand, but decided to side down instead. Using a cloth, the remaining water from before, and her free hand Clarke wet a cloth and place it on Lexa’s forehead.

Lexa continued to murmured words, “I am so sorry, Costia,” a tear rolled down her cheek, Lexa still not recognizing Clarke. “Please, stay,” Lexa cried softly, “I wish I protect you better, I wish we were young again.” She sniffled, while Clarke grasped her hand in silence, “I wish I could hold you again.” Clarke’s breath caught in her throat. “I got my revenge for you, Costia. I killed her. Queen Nia kom Azgeda. But it was not the way I wanted.” Clarke squeezed Lexa’s hand reassuringly. “If I could, I would have made her pay for every single cut and bruise on your body, for everything she did to you.”

Lexa swallowed thickly, choking on her tears. “I would have made her die the same way she made you die.” Anger laced the sorrow in Lexa’s voice. “I miss you Costia. I used to get nightmares of your death, especially after… after she send you head… But lately, it’s been nightmares of Clarke’s…”

Clarke’s eyes widened in surprise, while Lexa smiled a little to herself.

“She reminds me of you, Costia, with both your and her passion for healing, but also destruction. And you both have the blonder hair, as the Skaikru call it. And the stubborness as well.” Lexa’s small smile twisted into a frown again. “I wish you could meet her…” Lexa sighed, and within moments, she was out cold.

Clarke took a moment to comprehend what Lexa had said, before rinsing the cloth and putting it back on Lexa’s forehead.

It was going to be a long day.


	2. Candles of Costia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's nightmares are back... and so are the memories of Costia. Thankfully, she has Clarke, and her collection of candles, to help her deal with them. 
> 
> OR
> 
> Lexa is literally the smollest bean out there and she deserves so much luvin' and she literally has no one, but hey, at least now, she has Clarke! Also, we get some background and Lexa's candle obssession, yay!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELCOME BACK CLEXAKRU
> 
> HOPE YOU'RE IN THE MOOD FOR SOME MORE OF EMOTIONAL LEXA KOM TRIKRU AND LESS STOIC COMMANDER OF BLOOD
> 
> Lexa's candle obssession tho, lmaooo
> 
> enjoy!

After a few hours or so, Alisa had returned and taken over for Clarke. It was already past sundown, and Lexa’s fever hadn’t died down. Clarke had not eaten, and she was not hungry; she was reluctant to leave, but Alisa managed to convince the blonde to get some sleep in the room across the hall. Alisa said that she would notify Clarke immediately if Lexa’s conditions were to change.

Clarke laid in bed tossing and turning. She was trying to sleep, but the thoughts of Lexa were keeping her up. She couldn’t stop thinking about Lexa’s conditions, about what happened to Costia, about her kissing Lexa. The softness of those lips was still haunting her mind.

After spending several minutes (or so she thought was minutes) fiddling with her nightgown, Clarke rolled over onto the side and started to count sheep. However, her thoughts were interrupted by a scream from outside of her room.

‘Lexa,’ Clarke thought, jumping to her feet and bursting out of her room. She rushed into Lexa’s room to see Lexa thrashing around in her bed, while Alisa spoke reassuring words, trying to calm the commander. All of a sudden, Lexa jerked into a sitting position, her eyes wide open and breathing raggedly. Her eyes met Clarke’s, and Clarke nearly flinched at how much pain those green eyes were expressing.

“Leave me,” Lexa demanded, addressing both Clarke and Alisa. Alisa sighed loudly and gave Lexa a small bow before backing out of the room. Clarke, however, stood her place.

“Lexa, you’re injured,” Clarke stated, moving toward the bed, “And sick, too. I’m not going to leave you alone in this state.” Her eyebrows furrowed in worry. “What if something happened?”

Clarke searched Lexa’s face for an answer, but Lexa was lost in thought; her eyes were unfocused and glassy once more. Clarke sighed, “Let’s get you back asleep.” She reached out, about to touch Lexa, but Lexa flinched back, curling into a ball away from Clarke.

“No, no,” Lexa muttered to herself, covering her eyes and face with her hands. It didn’t work; the scenes simply just kept playing in her mind.

“ ** _Hodnes laik kwelnes_** ( _Love is weakness_ ),” Lexa heard Lukas, the previous commander’s voice echo in her mind. Another scene of Lukas sobbing and cradling the dead, mutilated body of a woman came into focus in Lexa’s vision. “You are weak, Leksa kom Trikru,” Lukas chided. “Heda does not cry.” Lexa violently shook her head.

“No,” Lexa cried weakly, speaking more to herself than anyone else. “I am not weak!” A sob broke from her throat as she saw Costia’s head on her bed. All she saw was red, red, and more red. And the dull, empty, blue eyes of Costia staring back at her.

“Costia…” Lexa reached out a hand, trying to brush back a strand of Costia’s brown hair. But she froze in place, unable to touch her ex-lover’s face.

“Lexa!” Clarke shouted, shaking Lexa’s shoulders and jerking Lexa out of her dazed state of mind. Lexa tensed, but upon seeing and recognizing the Skaikru healer’s face, she buried her face into Clarke’s shoulder, sobbing uncontrollably. Clarke was shocked at first, but after a moment, allowed Lexa to sink into her embrace. Clarke engulfed the younger commander in a tight embrace, rubbing circles into Lexa’s back. She murmured calming words and hummed soft lullabies, calming Lexa. After some time, Lexa retracted from Clarke’s arms, angrily wiping her tears away.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Clarke found her voice.

Lexa hesitated, but she figured it would probably be better for her to talk about it. She took a deep breath and cleared her throat, which felt clogged from crying.

“Where do I begin?” Lexa sighed, wrapping her furs around herself. Her eyes darted around the room, quickly counting the number of candles lighted. There were only 13 still burning. Costia always lit a minimum of 15 candles, just because it was her favorite number.

 _Alas, thirteen candles for the 13 clans_ then, Lexa thought to herself, _it seems fitting._

She closed her eyes briefly, wanting to escape reality and have no more dreams of commanders and blood. She wished she could just run away and have Costia in her arms again. A stray tear ran down her cheek.

Lexa jerked her eyes open against when two hands gently cupped her face. She looked up to see the blue eyes of Clarke; they were almost always shining with a type of happiness that Lexa would never have. Even with all of Clarke’s demons, the young medic still found happiness in things, making those blue eye shine. However, today was different; today, there was a misty cloud that covered the blue, making them a darker navy color.

_Nearly the same color as Costia’s eyes._

Clarke grasped Lexa’s hands, gently squeezing them. “How about the dreams?” She asked. “When did they start?” Without realizing it, Clarke released one of Lexa’s hands and pushed a strand of hair behind the commander’s ear.

Clarke cupped Lexa’s jaw and used her thumb to wipe away another stray tear that had rolled down Lexa’s cheek. Lexa trembled under Clarke's touch, and Clarke fought the urge to wrap her arms around the commander again. After a few long moments, Lexa finally spoke.

“I met Costia when I was 15 summers,” Lexa began, tightening her hold on Clarke’s hand. “I had just become Heda for two moons, and she became our lead scout a little after. She was young as well; in fact, she turned 16 summers that year. Our previous scout general was killed in a hunting accident, and the ambassadors voted her to take over. I still remember how she nearly began dancing in front of the ambassadors from excitement.”

Clarke smiled a little when Lexa’s lips twitched up at the happy memory. Lexa continued speaking softly.

“We did not speak much at first. The first times we did, it was scouting plans and strategy. We slowly began to speak more to each other and became close friends. However, I realized that I loved her. But to be Commander is to be alone.” Lexa spoke bitterly. “I should have listened to the commanders then. If I had she would still be—” Another sob arose but Lexa swallowed it.

“She would still be here. But naturally, I did not listen to the commanders, I listened to my heart, and the autumn of my 17th summer, it happened.” Lexa pulled her furs tighter around her. “Costia admitted she held feeling for me. I, being selfish, told her I reciprocated, and we began to see each other in secret. Somehow, word spread, and Queen Nia found out.”

Lexa swallowed thickly. “Queen Nia ruled the Ice Nation, Azgeda, at the time with her husband, King Leo, and she was still not respective of the Coalition. There declared war on Trikru, and we fought. King Leo tried to take Costia from me, but I fought him in a duel and managed to kill him. After the King’s death, Queen Nia relented and ended the war, but she still refused to join the Coalition.” Clarke nodded along, not surprised at Queen Nia’s reaction.

“I thought all was well. There was no fighting, no violent at the moment.” Lexa's hand clenched into fists. “As time passed, Trikru border scouts began to disappear. Many blamed the pauna, but secretly, we all knew better; it was Azgeda. The troops only ever disappeared at the Azgeda border, and pauna with only ever found in Trikru southside. Costia was suspicious and wanted to go to check herself. I refused to let her. The night she left, we had a major argument, and the last words I said to her were “Go, I do not care about you anymore,” right after she stated that she hated me.” Lexa wiped tears from her cheeks.

Clarke handed her a cloth, and Lexa accepted it gratefully.

“She never came back to my room that night,” Lexa continued sniffling, “And I was only notified the next afternoon that she had gathered four other scouts and left for the Azgeda border. I knew it was too late to send out a rider, that they would never reach her in time, but I cannot stop thinking about how it could have been different…” Lexa’s voice broke again as a sob wracked her body. Immediately, she felt Clarke’s arms wrapped around her. Lexa continued, speaking so softly that she was practically whispering.

“I waited for moons, hoping that she would return home again. I held onto the blind hope that she had just gotten lost on the wrong border and maybe Louwoda Kliron (Shadow Valley) took her in. I knew something was wrong, but nonetheless, I still send out search parties every day, hoping she would turn up at a trading post or somewhere. I wanted to know where she was, I wanted an answer to those question in my head. ” Lexa’s breathing rate had increased rapidly, along with the volume of her voice. Clarke waited patiently for Lexa calm her breathing and continue speaking. “I guess I finally found my answer in the end.”

“It was almost the third moon after the night Costia left. 78 nights without her. That night, I returned from a late lesson with Titus and the natblidas (nightbloods) and fell asleep right away. It stormed that night, but the thunder was not what woke me up. I woke when a crash sounded in my room and something landed on my furs, on top of my leg. I thought it was morning already, and that Anya was dropping off new armor, so I brushed it off. However, whoever it was lifted it up and dropped in on my stomach this time, truly making me opened my eyes. I looked up and… her eyes…” Lexa’s voice broke once again.

“They were still open. I do not remember much, but there was blood everywhere. On me, on my furs, all over the room, all over her head. I remember screaming and my vision blurred. Anya was the one who found me. She stated that I was in shock and that I was not responding to anyone or anything for days.” Lexa sniffled, grasping Clarke’s hands like they were lifelines. “Then I started getting the nightmares, about Costia, about torture, about everything. And when I did not dream, the commanders spoke to me, telling me that I was weak for loving Costia and listening to my heart. I still hear them in my sleep. But they were right. I could not return to being a commander and my duties for weeks after… and I am still weak for spilling my tears over something that happened two years ago.” Lexa looked away, blinking back her tears, which were threatening to fall once again.

“Hey,” Clarke said gently. “You’re not weak, Lexa.” Clarke’s silky voice calmed Lexa’s racing heart a little. “You can’t control who you love. No one can.” Clarke’s own heart ached for the broken girl in front of her. “Even if you fell, as a commander during those days, you were able to get back up and make it all the way to here, to today.”

Lexa let loose a half-sob and half-whimper as she curled into a ball and buried her face into her knees, whispering, “Yes, but without Costia.” A candle went out and Lexa flinched as darkness swept in from the corner of the room.

Clarke noticing her reaction, picked up a small piece of wood. Using the piece of wood, she transferred fire from another candle to the distinguished one. “You like candles?”

Lexa looked up in surprise. “Yes.”  _I love them,_ she thought. 

Clarke nodded, “Do you want to tell me about them?”

Lexa hesitated. “Alright.” She shifted the furs, making herself comfortable and leaning back against her bed’s headboard. "I do not know where to start."

Clarke smiled. "That's alright. How about your earliest experiences with candles?" 

“I have always loved candles. My mother was a candlemaker and she would always bring me different candles with different scents.

“When I became Heda, I did not have any time to go to the markets and indulge myself or anything of those sorts. At times, Titus and Anya brought me candles, so I made do with what I had.

“Costia knew how to make candles. In fact, she learned from my mother. She loved them as well, and when she found out about my love for them, she began to make candles for me. She even asked my mother which ones were my favorites.

“After Queen Nia ended the war and my army and I returned to Polis, I returned to my quarters and found my entire room decorated with tens of dozens candles. Costia was there, and she told me that she was not sure which my favorite was, so she lit all of them. The candles, they reminded me of my mother and father. My mother was a warrior, and Nia’s troops killed her, along with my father, who was part of the cavalry.” Lexa choked on her tears. “I was emotional and began crying, angered and saddened by so many losses, but Costia held me and she comforted me. She told me to let a candle whenever I am unhappy, and let the flame drive away the negative emotions. 

“Costia gave the candles meaning.” Lexa sniffled, her heart aching for her former Trikru scout once more. “She gave me a reason to keep living on. The candles drove away the darkness, and they continue to do so. But without Costia, I do not know…” Another sob wracked the commander’s body and Clarke gently pulled Lexa into her embrace, allowing the commander to cry into her shoulders once more.

“Shh…” Clarke whispered into Lexa’s temple. “It’ll be alright.” Her heart ached for Lexa. For the heartbroken, vulnerable, and tired girl underneath the layers of the almighty Heda. “That’s right, Lexa, close your eyes, it's going to be alright…”

Moments later, Lexa’s breathing evened out and Clarke gently laid the young commander down. Clarke herself lied down as well, facing Lexa and admiring the girl’s beauty. For once, Lexa looked free and content, without the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Clarke fell asleep with her arms wrapped around Lexa’s waist, counting sheep and the number of candles in the room.

There were thirteen of them, all different shades of blue, green, yellow, and red, and each one made Clarke love Lexa even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might be updating weekly or every two weeks. I'm not sure, and I'm still trying to work out my schedule (high school sucks). 
> 
> Anyways, stay tuned!  
> -S. Lynn:)


	3. Clarke's Patient: Heda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things happen as Lexa wakes. Her conditions are better, but it's not what Clarke expected.  
> Clarke talks to one of Lexa's guards and admires the brunette's beauty as she sleeps. 
> 
> OR 
> 
> Clarkie girl is highkey lusting over our big, bad, hawtie commander and we see sum good stuff. ALSO, Clarke does something inappropriate accidentally and Lexa's reaction is... pretty interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEYO CLEXAKRU! 
> 
> OMG. ALMOST A THOUSAND HITS ALREADY. DAMN. 
> 
> What's up! I'm back with another chapter. Alright guys. I know I've said that I'm going to be updating weekly, but I couldn't resist. I had to go to he hospital because I almost passed out in PE for some reason so I had several hours of free time as they monitored how I was doing and I didn't really have much of my hw on me so I wrote another chapter for y'all. 
> 
> The plot is moving along really slowly (just warning you) and more characters will be introduced (or more like reintroduced because I'm guessing that you already know more of the characters from the 100), but there's gonna be some new characters as well. 
> 
> Anyways, that'll be all I'm saying for now. 
> 
> Happy reading! 
> 
> \- S. Lynn

Clarke woke on top of a body, but it took her a moment to realize whose it was. She blushed at the position she was in—she lied half-on-top of Lexa, her legs tangled with the brunette's. It was warm, in fact, a little too warm; after all, she was pressed up against Lexa’s body with only Lexa’s underwear and Clarke’s nightgown separating them.

Clarke shifted to get up, but Lexa wrapped her arms around the blonde, keeping her in place. Clarke could literally feel herself— and her heart— slowly melting into the commander’s arms. She never wanted to leave; it felt like Lexa’s arms were sculpted just to hold Clarke’s body.

“Don’t leave me,” the commander whispered in her sleep. Clarke hesitated, wondering if she should get up. She gazed at Lexa, trying to see if the younger commander was doing any better. It was dawn, and the lack of sunlight did not help with Clarke’s eyesight on detecting the paleness of Lexa’s face.

Lexa’s breathing was normal, but a thin layer of sweat still coated her forehead, and her cheeks were still pale. When Clarke put the back of her hand against Lexa’s forehead, she found that the girl still had a slight fever. Sure, it was not as bad as the day before’s, but it was still not a good thing; the fact that Lexa had slept through the entire night and still kept the fever did not sound good.

Clarke reluctantly pried herself from Lexa’s arms and slipped out of the furs, stumbling into the bathroom area of Lexa’s enormous bedroom. Clarke couldn't find anything to put water in, but she found something that seemed to resemble a sink. Fiddling with the handles, Clarke managed to twist one, and water— clean, clear water— spewed out. The grounders were much more advanced that she or any of the other Arkers or Mountain men had imagined.

_The Mount men. Mount Weather. Jasper. Maya. Monroe. So many because of your decisions…_

Clarke gasped, hunching over the sink as the faces flooded her mind again. The blistering, scarred faces of the corpses, of children and adults and elders. The explosion, everything.

_You killed them,_ Clarke’s mind hissed, _who were you to decide who could survive?_

“Shut it!” Clarke pinched a cheek, snapping herself out of the thoughts. She grabbed a cloth from a small table next to the sink and wet it slightly. Then, the young medic walked back into Lexa’s bed area, folding the cloth into a smaller size while walking.

When she got back, Lexa was still sleeping, but she’d kicked some of the furs off onto one side of the bed and was now lying in her bed, almost completely naked, except for the few pieces of clothing she had on. One leg draped over a lumpy area where two different furs had gotten tangled together.

Clarke’s artistic mind caused her to pause and admire the view before her. The messy, yet beautiful, wavy chestnut hair; the long, slender legs; lean muscles and tight abs; the tan skin, perfect, even with countless numbers of small, pale scars; the expression of peacefulness that Clarke had never seen on Lexa’s face before.

However, Clarke’s artistic mind snapped out of it when a soft breeze swept into the room, causing Lexa to shiver and release a soft whimper as she reached for the other side of the bed, trying to feel something. When greeted by emptiness, Lexa jerked back in her sleep. This time, she curled into a ball on her side.

It took Clarke a moment to realize that Lexa was reaching for her because Clarke had slept in the same bed and kept the commander warm the night before. The Skaikru healer softly walked over to Lexa’s side and pulled the furs over the commander. Afterward, she placed the wet cloth on Lexa’s forehead, hoping that it would somewhat help with the fever.

Almost immediately, Lexa jerked awake and stared at Clarke was wide green eyes. She sat up quickly, causing the wet cloth on her forehead to slip off and Clarke to shuffle back a little from her position next to the bed.

Lexa groaned groggily, rubbing her eyes and trying to remember why her entire left side was throbbing. Her thigh felt like it was on fire.

“Clarke?” Lexa questioned in complete confusion. “What are you doing in my quarters?” Lexa’s brain was swimming in murky waters as she tried to think. Noticing Clarke’s nightgown and her own state of undress, Lexa flushed, breaking eye contact with Clarke. “About last night, we did not, um…”

Had Clarke not realized what Lexa implied, she might have stopped to record this moment and tuck it away in a safe corner of her mind where she would never forget it. For once, the mighty **_Heda_ ** was at a loss of words.

“Oh, no,” Clarke awkward chuckled, “You had a pretty bad fever last night, and you kicked Alisa out, right before nearly passing out from your injuries.”

Lexa hesitated. “What injuries? I do not remember getting hurt.” Lexa’s hand drifted toward her bare thigh, feeling a slight throb there. Her hands brushed against some threads. She figured Clarke used some Skaikru way of healing; it did not matter, because somehow, her heart just knew that she could trust Clarke.

Clarke paused for a moment. She asked, “Do you remember what happened yesterday?”

“I remember talking to Indra after the meeting with the ambassadors about the arrival of Queen Nia,” Lexa tilted her head as Clarke’s eyebrows furrowed. “What is wrong, Klark?”

“Lexa, Queen Nia arrived almost a week ago.” Clarke rubbed her wrist anxiously. “Your injuries combined with your fever probably made you lose your memories of the past week.”

Lexa frowned. “How did I get injuries?” She pulled off her furs, gazing her wounded leg, tracing the threads in her leg. “What are these?”

“You fought Roan,” Clarke explained. “And those are stitches. You were losing a lot of blood so I had to find a way to stop the bleeding.”

“ **_Ste-chez_ ** ,” Lexa said, trying the word on her tongue. She examined her wound and saw that all bleeding had truly stopped. “You must teach our healers how this **_ste-chez_ ** work someday.” She wanted to scratch her leg, but Clarke stopped her, taking Lexa’s hands in her own. Lexa’s mind was caught in a state of worry for what she could not remember, anxiousness for what meetings she would have to attend, and confusion because of how she felt when Clarke touched her.

It… It reminded her of Costia.

_NO_ , Lexa’s mind spoke assertively, _you must not listen to your heart. The past is the past_ . Luka’s voice whispered into her mind again: “Leksa, what are you doing? You should only care for the well-being of your people! To be **_Heda_ ** is to be alone. You are weak, Leksa.”

“I am not weak, Lukas!” Lexa raged, jerking her hands out of Clarke’s hold and running them through her hair. A surprised Clarke jumped back from where she had been sitting on the side of the bed and fell to the floor, a shocked expression on her face.

Lexa immediately felt guilty when she saw what she had done, and got up from the side of the bed to help the blonde up. Instead, she stood and her left leg buckled from under her, and she fell, landing hard on her left arm. A jolt of blinding pain raced from her elbow up to her shoulder, and a small groan of pain came from her throat.

Clarke was suddenly by Lexa’s side, helping the young commander back up onto the bed and asking her if she in pain. Lexa blinked hazily, trying to focus on Clarke’s face, which was unbelievably attractive. And those eyes— those bright, sky blue eyes — Lexa wanted to get lost in them for forever.

“Lexa!” Clarke spoke sharply, noticing that Lexa’s eyes were turning a bit glassy. No reply. She tried again: “Lexa kom Trikru!” At that, Lexa jerked to attention, tensing her shoulders, which caused her to winced a little.

“Klark?” Lexa whispered softly as if she could not believe that the healer was truly here. She rubbed her head roughly trying to think about what the hell had happened in the past week; however, the last thing she remembered was the meeting, how Indra left and she retired to her bedchambers before everything went dark. “What happened to my shoulder and arm? Was it also from Roan’s fight?”

Clarke nodded. “You dislocated both your left shoulder and your left elbow. Thankfully, I was able to put it back in place without hurting anything else.”

“Thank you.”

“A pleasure,” Clarke replied automatically. Lexa raised her eyebrows at the new language, but she did not question. On the ground, people always just said “You are welcome” as a reply to “thank you”.

“You…” Clarke hesitated. “Queen Nia challenged you to a duel, and Roan was her chosen champion. Roan got to you a few times, but you were victorious.” Clarke gently took Lexa’s hands. “You… you could’ve killed Roan, but you took a spear and threw it at Queen Nia, killing her within a minute. You… you got your revenge for Costia.”

At the last sentence, Lexa flinched. “Costia…” The words drifted from her lips as darkness overtook her vision once again.

Clarke watched in horror as she witnessed Lexa pass out. Again. She tucked Lexa into the bed, careful to cover her with not too many or too little furs.

Lexa unconsciously moaned in her sleep, saying words in Trigedasleng that Clarke didn’t understand.

Clarke rinsed the wet cloth again and placed it on Lexa’s forehead once more. After making sure that Lexa was alright to be left alone for a few moments, Clarke headed toward the entrance to Lexa’s room, where she knew the guards would be. Clarke opened the door and sure enough, two guards stood in on the side of the door, lightly chatting with each other. They quiet and nodded at her when they saw her.

“Wanheda,” they both spoke softly. They both looked as if they were in their mid-20’s; a little older than Lexa, but not old enough to be much of a parent.

“Heda is sick,” Clarke said urgently. “Can one of you please get Alisa?” Clarke hesitant before trying a new word. “ **_Mochof_ ** (Thank you).”

The guard standing on the right nodded to his partner, and his partner took off, jogging down the hall to the elevator.

Clarke turned to return to the room, but the remaining guard’s hand reach out and stopped her. She whipped around in surprise, and the guard quickly let go, mumbling an apology in Trigedasleng.

“Pardon me, Wanheda,” he stumbled over his words, “but I just wanted to say, please do not hurt her.” His dark brown eyes glittered sadly when they met Clarke’s. “Le— **_Heda_ ** already carries all of our lives on her shoulders. And she’s already fallen to her knees over love before.” He shifted uncomfortably. “I know I have no right to say such to you, but I do not think she would be able to handle having her heart broken again.”

“You care for her,” Clarke said softly, the realization dawning to her. The guard’s face reddened.

“Yes, Wanheda, I do, but not the way you think.” He sighed. “We all love her. In fact, I grew up with Heda, and she is much like the younger sister I never had.” The guard’s lips twitch upward once, but almost immediately, his small smile turned upside down.

“Titus may say that love is weakness, and that might have been why Lexa got so hurt about Costia, but he’s wrong.” The guard’s eyes shone with pride when they met Clarke’s again. “Love is strength, Wanheda, and I know this because Lexa’s love for our people is what makes her so strong.” Clarke found herself nodding to his words, not even noticing how the guard had called Lexa by her actual name.

“Go,” the guard gestured. “My apologies for keeping you, Wanheda. I will let you know when Alisa is here.”

Clarke founder herself saying, “My name’s Clarke, what do I call you?”

“Jace,” the guard replied, smiling warmly at the girl with golden hair. “Jace kom Trikru, at your service.”

Clarke gave him one last smile before slipping into Lexa’s room once again.

Lexa laid on the bed, her body rising up and down steadily.

_At least she’s not in pain_ , thought Clarke.

Clarke re-rinsed the cloth again and replaced it on Lexa’s forehead. Her heart clenched when Lexa flinched at her touch. She scolded herself mentally, wondering why such a small action made her feel this way.

Clarke found herself wandering over to a desk, and on top of it were charcoal pieces that resemble pencils and thin papers with maps drawn on them. She couldn’t help herself; she took an empty sheet of paper and a charcoal pencil and settled on Lexa’s sofa, relaxing into the soft furs and facing Lexa’s direction, ready to jump up and take care of the commander at any moment.

Clarke began to draw Lexa— how could she not? The girl was a work of art, and this was the only time Clarke saw the commander at ease. The usually furrowed eyebrows were relaxed and the edges of Lexa’s lips curled up into the slightest smile. Clarke took in every little detail, even the outline of Lexa’s figure and how the bedding bunched in Lexa’s arms, as if she were cuddling it.

Clarke was so focused on her drawing, she almost didn’t even notice it when Alisa arrived.

Only after Alisa left, Clarke finished took in her surroundings and dropped her pencil to eat the breakfast Alisa had brought. After, she returned to sketching more portraits of other people. She kept returning Lexa’s drawing, however, adding more details every time.

By the time Clarke felt that she was finished will all her drawings, it was nearly noon, and the room was at a comfortable, warm temperature. Clarke was interrupted by coughs from the bed. She rushed over to the commander’s side.

Lexa woke, groggy and confused; when she saw that it was nearly midday, she silently cursed herself for sleeping in so late. When she coughed and saw blue eyes peering down at her she bolted upright, into sitting position, and in the process, headbutted the person above her.

“Ow…” The person muttered, rubbing their forehead. Lexa’s vision cleared, recognizing Clarke. Her head pounded and ached a little.

“Klark?” Lexa questioned in a raspy voice. “What happened? It is nearly midday, why am I still in bed?”

Clarke sighed. “You lost some memories, Lexa. I explained it to you, and you passed out.”

Lexa frowned, remembering pieces of the conversation. “Ah. Yes.” She whipped off her furs. “I have to go see Indra and check if I have any meetings. Thank you for your aid, Klark.” Lexa tried to stand.

Clarke pushed Lexa back down onto the bed. “Stay, Lexa. I’m sure Alisa cleared your day, seeing how sick you were.” Clarke headed toward the entrance to the commander’s quarters. “I’ll tell the guards to bring you something to eat.”

Clarke opened the door, and sure enough, Jace and his partner were softly chatting, securing the entrance. Clarke cleared her throat before stating, “Hey, can one of you get Alisa again? Lexa’s awake and hungry, I’m assuming.” Jace’s partner nodded and took off again. Clarke shot Jace a small smile before returning back into the room again.

She turned to find Lexa already dressed in her pants and struggling to put her shirt on.

_Her shoulder_ , Clarke’s mind yelled, turning on her doctor instincts. Clarke whipped the shirt from Lexa’s hold and pushed the commander forcibly back onto the bed. However, somewhere along the lines, she tripped and landed on top of Lexa, the two of them landing on two of Lexa’s soft bed furs.

“You’re not going anywhere,” Clarke barked, looked up to see Lexa’s face. Lexa’s cheeks were pink and her breathing was uneven. Clarke muttered an apology before pushing her knee up to get up. However, as her thigh hit something soft, a low groan-sounded from Lexa’s throat and Clarke froze.

“Lexa— oh,” Clarke looked down from Lexa’s flushed face to see her thigh pressed against Lexa’s—

“— Oh my gosh,” Clarke mumbled as she rolled over off the bed and jumped to her feet. Lexa’s green eyes stared at her warily as Lexa pushed up into a sitting position, her muscles twitching in her arm. Clarke mumbled a half-ass apology, saying, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

Lexa tiredly silenced the blonde. “It is alright, Klark. I understand.” She pressed her lips together in a tight line. “It is just a sensitive spot, that is all.”

Clarke was at a loss of words, but luckily, Alisa interrupted them. She walked in, carrying a tray of food, ad Indra behind her, scowling while carrying a small bag of medicine. The two of them saw Lexa’s state of undress but chose not to comment about it at the moment.

“Heda,” they both greeted Lexa respectfully. Alisa also greeted Clarke as “Wanheda,” but Indra stuck to a stiff “Clarke kom Skaikru”.

“Heda, you missed the meeting today, about King Roan’s ascension,” Indra jumped straight to the point. Lexa’s eyebrows skyrocketed.

“King Roan?” Lexa stuttered, meeting Clarke's eyes. “What is happening?”

Indra’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. “Heda, you announced him king yesterday, after you killed Queen Nia,” Indra said the former queen’s with such contempt that Clarke winced, catching Lexa’s attention.

Lexa nodded slowly. “Ah. I see.”

Clarke interrupted. “General, Heda had a bad fever last night and I’m afraid that she’s lost quite a few of her memories of the past week, since Queen Nia’s arrival in Polis. I’ve already caught her up on some, but you may have to do a little more explaining.”

Indra’s confused expression shifted to one of understanding and concern as Lexa sighed. “Of course,” the general spoke, “Come by the map room when you are prepared, Heda, and I will tell you the details of the week.” She gave Lexa another bow before sweeping out of the room.

Lexa’s medic, Alisa, broke the silence. “Well, she is pleasant to have as a company.”

Alisa began setting the food onto the table in Lexa’s makeshift kitchen. “Well, come on you two, eat! And Lexa, put on a shirt, will you?” Clarke glanced over, fighting a small smile, as she watched Lexa huff exasperatedly as Alisa kept speaking. “You’re welcome to be as undressed as you like with your houmon, but please, not with me in the room.”

Lexa’s face flushed a dark shade of red as she shrugged her shirt on. It took a moment for Clarke to realize what Alisa meant, but Lexa spoke before Clarke could.

“Alisa! **_Shof op!_ ** (Shut up!)” Lexa snapped.

“We’re not like that, I promise,” Clarke stated smoothly, but in reality, her mind was already craving the taste of those lips and the tilt of that jaw.

Clarke helped Lexa up and over to the table. Lexa limped heavily, leaning into Clarke’s hold, and winced when she accidentally shifted her weight to her left leg. She almost collapsed when she sat down at the table, but thankfully, Clarke caught her. However, Clarke gripped Lexa’s left arm, which was still sore and terribly bruised, causing Lexa’s breathing to hitch and create a small yelping sound.

“Sorry,” Clarke murmured, releasing her grip. She looked up to see Alisa watching them with a small smirk.

“Enjoy the food,” Alisa stated before backing out of the room.

Clarke sat across from Lexa and their eyes met once again before eating. Alisa had brought them two cups of warm tea (Clarke wasn’t sure what they were made up of, but they tasted nice and sweet), fresh bread, and roasted pork strips.

The food was good, but Clarke didn’t enjoy it as much as she would’ve liked to. Lexa barely talked to her, and when Clarke tried to strike up some small talk, asking about Lexa’s past, all she received were short and vague answers. After several attempts at making conversation, Clarke simply gave up and they ate in silence.

A few moments later, Lexa’s voice interrupted the silence.

“You speak too much for a leader, Klark,” Lexa spoke softly, taking a sip of her tea.

“That’s because I’m not a leader,” Clarke retorted. “There’s a reason why I’m a healer.”

“Yes,” Lexa sighed. “You may think of it that way. However, sometimes it is wiser to just observe what is going on around you.”

“Really now?” Clarke’s sarcasm was on full display. Lexa ignored the comment and continued eating in silence.

It was awkward at first, but after a few bites, Clarke felt… comfortable. The room’s walls were a light mahogany color, and there were still a few candles burning. A few weapons decorated the wall, but Clarke paid them no attention. Instead, she was busy sneaking looks at the commander.

Suddenly, Clarke looked up to see Lexa’s forest green eyes gazing back at her own. She shuddered lightly as Lexa looked away. It was as if Lexa was seeing right into Clarke’s soul, and every time their eyes met, Clarke could swear an earthquake took place in her stomach. It was a new feeling, something Clarke had never felt before. She felt strangely exposed. But it didn’t feel bad. It was… intriguing.

Clarke didn’t know if she should have been scared or excited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Until next time! 
> 
> P.S. Do we want smut?? Because I already know that someone (@ an enthusiastic clexa fan) does. The “hot stuff” really could spiced up the story, so I may do it. Let me know how you think.


	4. Hodnes Laik Kwelnes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke spent the day exploring Polis and returns to the tower with many gifts. She spends some time with some guards and warriors. Later, she sees Lexa again. Clarke has an honest and passionate talk with Lexa, which causes Lexa's emotions to surface and rethink her thoughts on love being weakness. 
> 
> OR 
> 
> Polis peeps give Clarkie a crap ton of gifts and at dinner, Jace tells an interesting story about Lexa being a badass as a kiddo. Then, Clarkie preps a bath for Lexa and then highkey checks Lexa out. And they talk. And Clarke cries. Then, Lexa cries. Everyone cries. Some making out, and lots of crying and talking. Ta-da.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'SUP CLEXAKRU
> 
> ya gurl S.Lynn back with another chapter. I promised an update a week, so here I am. 
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy :)

Clarke spent the rest of the day exploring the streets since Lexa had meetings to attend. At first, Clarke was hesitant to go out, but Tori convinced her that no one would dare to act on her, now that Heda had practically threatened death for anyone who did. 

Polis was beautiful. Throughout the day, Clarke had visited almost every corner of Polis, and she had tried many different foods and games. 

Despite how primitive the 100 had first thought the grounder, Clarke knew they were wrong. Polis was the prime example of why; it was what Clarke assumed New York City would have been like.

The textbooks she’d read on the Ark describe New York City as a crowded and busy, yet carefree and relaxed city, bustling with laughter, arts, money, technology, and life. Sure, Polis may have been lacking a little in the technology department, but all of the other aspects made up for it. There were arts everywhere; they were woven in people’s hair, threaded in their clothes, and even painted on their market stands and houses. People all around greeted her (though not all of them nicely), but one little girl stood out the most to her. 

The girl must have been around ten years old, with blonde hair and Asian, possibly bi-racial features, and she held a confidence in her stride that no child on the Ark would’ve ever had. She wore braids and a familiar frown that Clarke had seen on someone before, but Clarke couldn’t seem to place the image. Black warpaint was smudged around her eyes, similar to those of the Trikru warriors. However, Clarke’s attention was whipped away to a merchant thrusting a jeweled dagger into her hands. When she looked back, the girl was gone. 

Clarke stumbled from stand to stand, carrying the goods that were offered to her and mumbling “ **_mochof_ ** _ (thank you) _ ” from time to time. At first, she’d politely declined the gifts, but after Tori explained that it was actually impolite to not accept the gifts, Clarke reluctantly accepted them. By the time she and her guards had returned to the Polis tower, Clarke had three daggers strapped around her body, a blue cloak draped around her shoulders, several leather and chain necklaces resting on her neck, two bracelets on her wrist, blue warpaint on her face, and a sword similar to Lexa’s swords dangling at her side. Tori also held several new outfits, two pairs of boots, and a set of black armor in her arms, all belonging to Clarke. 

By sundown, Clarke had managed to sort all of her gifts and dress in one of the new outfits that she’d gotten. She wore tight black pants that were similar to leggings, a soft grey shirt, and a pair of black boots. After dressing herself, Clarke ate dinner with some of the guards (including Jace and Tori), who shared their stories with her. Her favorite had been Jace’s story about the first time he sparred with Lexa. 

“I think I was 15 summers,” Jace began. “Lexa was probably 11 or 12 summers, but she was the youngest and most talented warrior in TonDC at the time. And I, being the proud boy I was, I challenged her to spar.” Jace laughed. “If only I had known how badly embarrassed I would be afterward.” 

Tori and several other warriors leaned forward in anticipation. “What happened?” Tori asked curiously. Clarke was intrigued as well. 

The corners of Jace’s lips twitched up. “Well, Lexa was fast, but she was not a better warrior than I was.” Tori scoffed as Jace continued on. “After a few quick strikes, I had disarmed her of both of her swords. Did you know that she is ambidextrous?” 

“Stop changing the topic,” one of the other guards said impatiently. Clarke wasn’t completely sure what his name was, but if she remembered correctly, she believed that it was “Henri”. Henri spoke on, “I believe we all know Heda is equally powerful in both hands. You are delaying the story.” 

“ **_Shop of_ ** _ (Shut up) _ ”, Jace chuckled. “As I was saying, I disarmed her. However, she managed to disarm me as well, and within moments, we were wrestling hand to hand. I was so close to victory, but she head butt me and broke my nose! I could not feel my face for half a moon.”

Tori smirked. “Leave it to Heda to inflict such damage. No wonder your nose is so crooked. I expected no less.” Several of the other warriors chuckled at this, and Clarke herself fought a smile. 

“Oh, come on, Tori. You can not deny how attractive my nose is,” Jace pouted, earning another round of chuckles. Tori’s face flushed red as Jace continued his story. “Back to the story. Do you know what she said to me after?” The warriors shook their heads. “She asked me if I wanted her to break my nose the other way, just so that my nose would be even.” Clarke laughed at that. “I was so embarrassed. To be defeated by someone 4 summers younger than me!” 

Clarke grinned. “Well, you probably couldn’t help it. It’s in Lexa’s blood after all.”

Jace nodded in agreement. “True. If she did not win that day, I would not be shocked if she kept challenging me to spars until she won.” 

Clarke sipped her tea slowly, enjoying the stories of the warriors around her. Despite the warriors’ age differences and the fact that they were all from different clans, they spoke to each other like they were a family. Clarke supposed that they were pretty much like family, considering how much time they probably had to spend with each other every day. They ate their food happily and exchanged jokes, which made Clarke feel warm and happy. Clarke had forgotten what it was like to be a normal girl, just enjoying the company of friends. 

She never wanted this moment to end. 

-100-100-100- 

When Clarke returned to the commander’s quarters, it was already pretty late, and she was greeted by a tired-looking Lexa. 

“Klark,” Lexa mumbled, greeting Clarke while unconsciously rubbing her arm. “How was your day?” Clarke saw Lexa’s eyes travel down her body. “I see you have begun to dress like us.” 

Clarke shrugged. “I explored Polis a little and got a lot of gifts. Tori told me that it was rude not to accept them.” She took a seat next to Lexa, who was sitting on the couch with a map in her hands. “How are you feeling?” 

Immediately, Clarke saw Lexa clench her jaw, and Lexa’s walls went up. Lexa said in a monotone voice, “I am fine.” At Clarke’s raised eyebrows, Lexa relented with a soft sigh, stating, “I still feel sore on my left side and a little tired, but otherwise, I am fine.” Clarke chuckled lightly as she watched Lexa rub her eyes and smear her warpaint. Lexa looked up, surprise and curiosity etched upon her face as she listened to  Clarke’s laughter. 

“I’m going to prepare a bath for you,” Clarke declared, standing up. Lexa began to speak, but Clarke was on a roll. “I don’t want any dirt of nasty bacteria in your leg.” Lexa began to protest, but Clarke refused to hear it. Instead, she quickly got a handmaiden to get herbs and fill the tub with hot water and petals and herbs. After a little while, the bath was ready. 

“Lexa,” Clarke called from the bathing area. No reply. 

When Clarke stepped by into the room, she found Lexa slumped over the table, with diagrams of maps labeled “Azgeda” underneath her. Clarke panicked for a moment, rushing over to Lexa, thinking that the commander was hurt. However, she calmed, realizing when she realized that the brunette had only fallen asleep. 

Clarke gently shook Lexa’s shoulder, pulling her out of her rest. 

Lexa woke immediately, gripping Clarke’s wrist with alarmed eyes. However, she quickly let go when she saw Clarke’s surprised expression. “Sorry,” Lexa muttered sheepishly, dropping her hand. 

Clarke nodded her head, saying, “It’s alright. The bath is ready whenever you are.” She gestured toward the bathing area. Lexa rose and grabbed three lit candles as Clarke gently guided the young commander toward the tub. Lexa placed them on the table in the bathroom. There were six other candles that were already lit and lined up on the table. 

Clarke turned away when Lexa began to strip off her clothes. She caught the sight of Lexa’s back tattoo before turning away. She wanted to give the commander some privacy, but she didn’t trust the commander to be okay on her own. 

“What is wrong, Clarke?” Lexa’s voice asked from behind Clarke’s back. The brunette’s voice trembled a little. “Is it my scars?” 

Clarke rapidly shook her head as she mumbled, “No, it’s nothing. You’re undressing, Lexa. I’m giving you some privacy.” 

Lexa sighed once again. “Whatever say you, Klark kom Skaikru,” Lexa murmured softly, inhaling the fragrance of the rose petals in the tub. “Just remember that when war happens, there is no time for modesty.” Lexa laid her clothes and armor on a chair next to the tub. “Klark, look at me.”

Clarke hesitantly turned to face Lexa, who stood confidently in front of her. Clarke found herself raking her eyes down the young commander’s body, from wavy chestnut hair to the slender neck, the prominent collarbones to the slender arms, the full chest to the toned abs, the soft curves of the waist and hips to the long legs. She found Lexa’s scars and tattoos beautiful; even the pale jagged line that ran from under Lexa’s right breast to her right hip seemed like it was made to accentuated Lexa’s curves. The scars and tattoos seemed to complete the commander.

A soft “ahem” jerked Clarke’s gaze back up, back to catch Lexa’s small smirk and sparkling green eyes. She felt her face flame up in embarrassment, but she had to admit, Lexa was a real work of art. Even with the smug smirk on her face.

“Could you help me in?” Lexa asked. 

Clarke hesitated again before taking Lexa’s right arm and helped the young commander into the tub. 

Lexa hissed a little at the small burn in her thigh as it touched the water. She began to lay her back against the tub, but jerked up in pain, when her back made contact with the tub’s side. She was sure her back was bruised. 

“Here, let me help,” Clarke offered a towel and laid it behind Lexa on tub’s side. Then, she had Lexa relax back. 

Lexa sighed. It was still painful with the towel, but at least it was better than nothing.

“I’ll leave you be,” Clarke stated. “I’ll be right outside, and if you need anything, just call.” She began to back out of the room, but Lexa’s right hand whipped out of the water and caught Clarke’s arm. 

“Wait, Klark,” Lexa paused. She did not know why she wanted Clarke to stay, but every single part of her heart told her to have Clarke stay. “Stay with me,” Lexa whispered. “I do not know, let us talk.” 

Clarke’s eyebrows furrowed as she pulled over a chair and sat beside the tub. “About what?” she questioned. 

Lexa rubbed the dirt off of her legs. “Well, to begin, what about last night?” She closed her eyes, enjoying the warmth of the tub. “Did we talk about anything?” 

“Yeah…” Clarke faltered. “Costia,” the name rolled off her tongue like it was a foreign language and Clarke was unsure of how to speak. A hint of jealousy crept into her voice, and Lexa noticed. “You told me about what happened. How you cared for her.” 

Clarke watched as Lexa’s eyes stay shut, but the commander’s expression changed from a smug one to one of sadness and guilt before returning to its usual poker face. 

“I did?” Lexa question, speaking more towards herself than Clarke. Under her breath, she muttered to herself, “ **_Hodnes laik kwelnes_ ** _ (Love is weakness).  _ I guess I’m still weak after all.” However, Clarke caught the words. 

“That’s not true,” Clarke stated, taking Lexa’s face in her hands. Lexa’s eyes fluttered open as she took in Clarke’s open expression. Clarke continued on, “Love is strength. It’s what makes you so strong.”

Lexa wanted to look away, but she could not seem to tear her eyes from the blue ones of Clarke. 

“Your love for your people motivates you. You find nothing wrong with loving your people, yet you find loving one person more than others wrong? Why can’t you understand Lexa? I- I know you put your people above everything else, even love, but it didn’t have to be that way.” Clarke’s eyes welled with tears. A stray one rolled down her cheek, and the young medic quickly wiped it away, blinking back more tears. 

“It’s the reason you left me at the mountain, but I understand.” Clarke’s gaze drifted down to Lexa’s lips before back up to the commander’s wide eyes. “But can’t you see, Lexa? Can’t you  _ goddamn _ see that I hated you, but I couldn’t bring myself to kill you, because I loved you? Yet you pulled me in and then push me away with “love is weakness” and betraying me. My people needed you, yet you pushed them away.” Clarke’s voice had begun to rise in volume, and Lexa flinched just the slightest bit under Clarke’s teary eyes. 

“They thought they were your people, too, Lexa,” Clarke said hoarsely. “They trusted me and you to save them. And look where we are. I killed—” Clarke swallowed thickly. “I killed so many when I just wanted my people to live and be happy. Why don’t you understand it, Lexa? Everything you’ve done— establishing the peace, protecting your people— it was all so your people could live a better life. Your people love you, and I’m pretty damned sure that they want you to live happily as well.” 

“I just wish you’d understand, Lexa. I wish you’d understand that sometimes, life  _ is _ more than about just surviving. That both your people and mine deserve more than just surviving.” Clarke was openly crying now, her voice shaky. “That  _ you _ deserve more than just surviving. You deserve so much better. You deserve  _ so much more _ .” Clarke’s voice broke as a sob wracked her body. “I wish you could see that love was and will never be a weakness.” 

Lexa looked in shock at the blonde crying in front of her.  _ Life is more than about just surviving, _ the words rang in Lexa’s mind. All of the commanders in her mind hissed at her, telling her it was all lies, but she didn’t know what to do anymore. All of a sudden, Lexa found herself cupping Clarke’s face, closing her eyes, closing the gap between them, and pulling Clarke into a deep kiss. A stray tear found its way down Lexa’s cheek as Lexa felt Clarke return the kiss. She tasted the saltiness of Clarke’s tears on her lips. In Lexa’s mind, the words “I love you” rang in repeat. 

As Lexa reached her hand up to pull Clarke’s body closer, Clarke stopped her, pulling away and breathing heavily. Lexa flinched as Clarke pulled away from the young commander for the second time. Lexa looked away from Clarke’s piercing gaze, wiping at her own tears. Her chest was hurting, and she could physically  _ feel _ her heart breaking; it felt like Costia all over again, but this time, Clarke was not murdered or anything. This time, Clarke herself  _ chose  _ to pull away. 

“I am sorry,” Lexa apologized, facing the water in the tub. She blinked away the tears and stopped them from falling. However, a gentle hand guided her view back to the blonde. Clarke’s watery eyes met Lexa’s green ones, and another kiss was placed on Lexa’s lips, surprising Lexa. 

Clarke gave Lexa an unsteady smile. “There’s nothing to be sorry about. I don’t know if you’ve really understood my words yet, but, God, Lexa,” Clarke breathed heavily, letting out of weak sigh, “you deserve so much.” 

All of a sudden, tears began to fall from Lexa’s eyes again. She was  **_Heda_ ** .  **_Heda_ ** did not cry.  **_Heda_ ** did not need to build a bridge because she did not cry a river;  **_Heda_ ** did not need to love because she did not have time for love. And yet Lexa found herself weeping to Clarke’s words and burying herself in the hopes of one day being able to love Clarke and be happy. Maybe she really did deserve to have a life that was about more than just surviving. Maybe, even with her bloodstained hands and stinging betrayal to Clarke, she really did deserve to be loved. It had been so long since she’d cried like this. It had been so long since Lexa felt wanted and important. Since she felt… loved.

“Clarke, I-” Lexa pulled Clarke closer, not caring about getting Clarke’s clothes wet. She kissed the blonde again, and with her hands, pulled at the blonde’s wet shirt. Soon after, the shirt came off, and so the pants and the shoes and the underwear. Clarke stumbled into the tub and on top of Lexa’s sitting figure, giving Lexa’s bottom lip a sharp tug and drawing a small gasp from the young commander. 

Lexa kissed back a bit sloppily, but just as passionately, which caused the two girls’ noses to bump a few times. Lexa felt Clarke smiling into the kiss, which made her feel giddy with joy. During the moments of ragged breathing between the kisses, the young commander found herself whispering the words, “ **_Ai hod yu in_ ** _ (I love you) _ ” onto Clarke’s soft lips. She was not sure if Clarke understood, but it did not matter. She loved Clarke, and Clarke would realize it sooner or late. Soft fingers roamed Lexa’s body and lightly brushed across all of her sensitive areas, drawing content sighs from the commander.

Lexa leaned back, and her back hit the side of the tub roughly, causing her to yelp in pain. Immediately, Clarke stopped and asked, “Are you alright?” Lexa nodded, wanting the moment to go on, but in reality, she knew the mood had shifted. 

Clarke’s forehead scrunched in worry. “I don’t want to hurt you.”  She placed a kiss on Lexa’s forehead. “We can do this another day when you’ve healed.”

Lexa sighed loudly, being sexually frustrated, as Clarke climbed out of the tub and wrapped a towel that had been meant for Lexa around her body. Clarke picked up her clothes and began to leave. However, she turned to say one more thing to Lexa.

“Think about it, Lexa,” Clarke said, her blue eyes glittering with a touch of sadness. “Life is about more than just surviving.” Then, she was gone, and Lexa was left alone with a tub of warm water and her thoughts. 

Lexa gazed at the candles, thinking of Costia, of how love had always been her weakness. She sighed. Maybe she was  wrong after all.  

_Maybe we do_ _deserve more._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oye man, that was a lot of Clarke speaking. 
> 
> Anyways. We haven't gotten to smut (yet) or had any of the Ark characters appear (yet). BUT I promise the next chapter's gonna have hot stuff about Lexa getting bread though, lol. 
> 
> As usual, stay tuned, peeps! 
> 
> <3, S. Lynn :)


	5. Massages and Such

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, hot stuff. Clarke gives a massage. Lexa receives a massage. Yada yada. 
> 
> It's not that graphic, sorry if you're into that. I don't plan on ruining your panties. Yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, haven't updated in a WHILE. Like over two months. Whoops. Also, this is a pretty short chapter too, so sorry about that too. Not really. 
> 
> But here's some hot stuff and isn't that hot because I didn't feel like it and there two of my friends who have read this and it would be really weird, but still. 
> 
> Anyways, I have the next few chapters written out already, I just have to type it up. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy, and until next time-
> 
> <3 S. Lynn

When Clarke returned, Lexa had finished bathing and was hunched over her maps again. She was wearing a thin nightgown, with her chest bindings and underwear underneath, and her typically braided hair was down in waves. She looked up when Clarke entered the room. 

“Klark,” Lexa greeted the blond with a small smile. Clarke herself smiled internally, adoring how soft the commander was. How soft _she_ made the commander. 

“How’s your left side?” Clarke asked, stepping over so that she stood next to Lexa. 

 Lexa sighed. “It feels better, but there is still soreness,” she responded truthfully. 

 “Well,” Clarke pondered looking at the Azgeda maps. She could feel Lexa’s green eyes on her. “Do you want a massage?” 

 "A what?” 

 “A massage.” 

 “What is a **_massage_ **?” 

 Clarke grinned. “You’ll see,” Clarke said, before giving Lexa a quick kiss on the lips. She felt Lexa’s hands begin to tangle in her hair, and quick broke away. “Patience, Heda,” she said with a smile as Lexa huffed. 

 Clarke got up and went into the bathing area, looking through the cabinets lined against the wall until she found what she had been looking for: a few bottles of coconut oils and several towels. Grabbing the supplies, Clarke headed back to Lexa, who was using charcoal pencils to draw on her maps. Lexa paused when she heard Clarke re-enter the room.

 “Can you take off your clothes and lie down on the bed?” Clarke asked Lexa as she spread the towels out on top of the bed. “Face down on top of the towels, I don’t want to ruin your furs or hurt your back.” 

 Lexa raised an eyebrow, her eyes widening in confusion about the situation. “Pardon me?” 

  _Oh_ , Clarke’s mind realized. Clarke blushed furiously, “It’s just easier for me to get the right spots.” 

Lexa smiled a little. “Are you sure it is not just an excuse to see me undressed again?” She gazed at Clarke with a small smirk. 

Clarke glanced back at the brunette, before turning away again and huffing, “Whatever, just get up.” She turned away from the bed and Lexa, giving the commander some privacy, as she fiddled with the oils. 

Lexa took off her clothing and laid it neatly on a chair before lying down on top of the towels that Clarke had laid out. She sighed contently as her tired limbs found comfort in the soft bedding.  

Meanwhile, Clarke was pouring oils onto her own hands, and she also began to pour some onto Lexa’s back. A light bruise spread over the top of Lexa’s back, from her left shoulder to her mid-back. Lexa had flinched at first, surprised at the wet contact, but when she saw Clarke holding the bottle of oil, she relaxed. The fragrance of coconuts spread throughout the room. 

Clarke gently spread the oil over Lexa’s skin, and admired the tattoo that stretched down Lexa’s back. It was an intricate design, with thick, black lines crossing through broken circles, shaded circles spiraling down in a line, and dozens of characters from a foreign language that Clarke didn’t understand. Clarke had never seen anything so… well, beautiful. 

As Clarke’s hands worked through Lexa’s tense muscles—starting from Lexa’s right uninjured shoulder— she figured she must’ve been doing it right, because within seconds, Lexa was sighing happily and closing her eyes. Clarke smiled to herself. These rare moments of **_Heda_ ** being just Lexa were worth all of the hand cramps that Clarke would be getting soon. 

“Feeling alright?” Clarke asked, partially making sure that the girls hadn’t fallen asleep. She softly rubbed the sore spot that had caused Lexa to wince. 

“Mhm…” Lexa hummed, the sound rumbling from her throat, “Much better than before…” She opened her eyes to look at Clarke. “These _massages_ , we have them as well.” Her eyes drifted shut again as Clarke’s hand massaged her right lower back. “Though I must admit, Klark kom Skaikru, Trikru massaged are not as… _pleasurable_ as your Skaikru ones.” 

Clarke felt her face flush at the way Lexa said “pleasurable”, thinking back to when she’d accidentally pressed her knee between the Commander’s legs. Thankfully, Clarke noticed that Lexa’s eyes were still closed. 

“Skaikru specialty, I guess,” Clarke whispered as she lightly began to massage Lexa’s bruised left shoulder. Clarke paused when Lexa’s breathing hitched for a moment and a small whimper was produced. Immediately, she asked, “Are you alright? It it too much pressure? I can stop if you want?” 

“It is quite alright, Klark,” Lexa murmured, her eyelids fluttering as Clarke’s hands continued working it’s magic. “It just... caught me by surprise.” 

Clarke worked in silence, untying all the knots in Lexa’s shoulders and back. When she finished Lexa’s upper body, she hesitantly poured the oil lower, onto the Commander’s calves, up to Lexa’s quads… up to the Commander’s butt. 

 _Oh, man, what a beautiful butt_ , Clarke found herself thinking. She blushed furiously, cursing herself in her mind for thinking such a thought. Her hands massaged Lexa’s feet, then up her legs, and finally, on her butt. Clarke lightly groped the Commander’s ass, causing Lexa to jerk in surprise. 

“Klark, what are you—” Lexa turned to look at Clark and began to speak, but Clarke cut her off with a raised eyebrow and a forceful “hush”. Lexa sighed before returning to her original position again, her skin tingling from Clarke’s soft touches. Clarke continued to speak.  

“Stop talking, Lexa,” the blonde murmured softly, kneading her fingers on Lexa’s skin and drawing out content sighs from the commander. Clarke felt how the brunette tense and jerk slightly under her fingertips, and leaned closer to Lexa, muttering, “Stop twitching.” She drew small circles into Lexa’s skin, taking her time as Lexa huffed. “Stop thinking,” Clarke whispered by Lexa’s ear, “and just… _feel_.” 

 At that, Lexa relaxed under Clarke’s hands, easing into the blonde’s confident and gently touches. 

Meanwhile, Clarke hummed a slow melody under her breath. She was pretty sure that it was called “Softly Glide”, or “Lightly Row”, or something along those lines. Papa G used to always sing it to her when she was a kid. She felt the corners of her lips twitch up slightly. Was she really thinking about her dad when she was trying to get it on with a girl? Clarke shook her head at herself. 

As Clarke’s hands entered dangerous territory, Lexa’s breathing became more ragged and strained. Clarke wasn’t sure if she was imagining things, but she was pretty damned sure that she wasn’t. And so, of course, she just had to; she brushed her right hand across Lexa’s center quickly— so quickly it must’ve been seen as accidental— and found it to be pretty wet. 

Like _dripping_ wet. 

 _Oh God,_ flares burst in Clarke’s mind. _Why did I just do that?_ Clarke barely heard herself whisper, “Jesus. Fucking. Christ.” 

But then again, it was likely that it wasn’t because of Clarke. There was oil everywhere; it covered practically all of Lexa’s body, making the commander’s body gleam and shine. It was very likely that Clarke had just touched, well, more oil. 

But then again, Lexa’s muffled groan told Clarke other things. 

Oh, if the hell described in Wells’s miniature Bible was real, and there was a train for the dead to get there, Clarke was _so_ getting a first-class, one-way ticket on a train to hell. And she was _so_ going to burn. 

“ ** _Skrish (Shit)_ **...Klark,” Lexa’s voice dripped huskily with need. “I-” The brunette’s voice broke off into a small hum. 

Clarke hesitated, “Are you sure...?” Clarke couldn’t think straight and it was literally taking all of her brain power to not just jump the brunette right then and there. 

“You-Yes,” Lexa muttered, turning to look at Clarke. Blue eyes met green ones and Clarke saw a hint of vulnerability in Lexa’s emerald eyes. 

Clarke gently massaged Lexa’s lower back. “What do you want me to do?” 

Lexa huffed in frustration. “ **_Jok (Fuck)_ **, anything, Klark, just…” Her voice dropped a little lower, “...please me.” 

Clarke paused for a moment before blurting out, “I’ve never been with a girl...If I’m hurting you, please let me know.” 

Lexa opened her mouth to reply, but whatever words she had in mind were cut off when Clarke’s hands slipped between Lexa’s thighs and began their work. 

Lexa was caught by surprise, and jerked at the contact Clarke made. Clarke explored with gentle fingers before finding Lexa’s clit and rubbing it in circular motions. Lexa groaned softly, feeling a wave of heat travel through her body. When was the last time she indulged in such activities? Lexa couldn’t remember. It must’ve been what, two summers ago? 

She remembered the month after Costia’s death, how she’d locked herself in a haze of emptiness. She’d shared her bed with many women, from many clans. The pleasure of the moment had been able to take away her pain for Costia, even if it was just for the night. 

Looking back, Lexa couldn’t believe how naive she’d been, thinking that those times were pleasurable. Nothing was more pleasurable than now, with Clarke’s hands working between her legs, drawing soft noises out of her mouth. 

Each curl of Clarke’s fingers was a moment in heaven, and Lexa didn’t want it to stop. She arched her back, pushing her butt up and anticipating more contact with Clarke’s fingers.

Clarke on the other hand, had never been so thankful of her knowledge of the human body. Her hand was beginning to cramp, but Lexa’s quiet moans of pleasure spurred her on, curling and drawing her fingers in and out of the commander. 

Within moments, Lexa felt the heat in her stomach growing at a rapid rate. Her hands fisted the sheets as her voice grew in volume, muttering obscenities and random words in Trigadasleng. She considered burying her face into the towels on her bed, but decided not to, and tilted her head to the side, panting the slightest as she breathed heavily. More Trigadasleng curses followed. After another flick of Clarke’s wrist, the dam inside Lexa broke and she came, her body shaking powerfully. There was so much pleasure and all she could let out were loose strings of Trigedasleng phrases. 

Clarke was still moving her fingers inside of Lexa, but she was also entranced by Lexa’s expression of ecstasy. It was only when Lexa jerked under her touch and said, “ ** _Em pleni, hodnes (that’s enough, love)_ ** ,” Clarke finally pulled out. However, she accidentally brushed against Lexa’s oversensitive clit, causing the commander to cry out, “ **_Jok_ ** ! **_(Fuck!)_ **” and pull away from Clarke’s touch. 

“ ** _Jesu (Jesus), Klark,”_ ** Lexa panted, rolling onto her side to gaze at the blonde. There was a spark in her eyes that Clarke hadn’t seen before. “What _was_ that?” 

Clarke shrugged, looking away and blushing the slightest, “I told you I’ve never been with a girl before…” 

“Yet you did not even let me say anything?” 

“I mean, it worked...right?” Clarke peered at Lexa with curious eyes. 

Lexa couldn’t resist. 

“I won’t lie, it was… a good experience.” 

Clarke grinned. “Good. Now get on your stomach again so I can clean up all this oil.” 

Lexa smiled, shaking her head as she rested onto her forearms and stomach again. She felt a dry towel softly wipe at her neck and down her back and legs. It took a little while to clean everything up, but Lexa was fine with it. She was tired and a little sore, but she was happy. Satisfied. 

When Clarke returned from putting everything away, Lexa immediately pulled the blonde onto the bed with her and under the furs. 

“Lexa!” Clarke cried in surprise as the commander’s warm body pressed up against her. “You’re, um, very, uh, naked!” A burning sensation spread across her neck and Clarke knew she must’ve looked like a tomato. Nonetheless, Lexa was suddenly on top of her and pulling her into a kiss. When they broke the kiss, Lexa’s eyes gleamed dangerously as she smirked. 

“I won’t be the only one sleeping naked tonight.” 

Clarke shivered at the tone of voice, hundreds of images filling her mind at once. Ugh, stupid, artistic, creative imagination. Was they was she got for being an artist? A throbbing heat began to settle in her stomach. 

Lexa’s voice jerked her back to attention. 

“And when I’m done with you tonight, all of Polis will know who **_Wanheda_ ** belongs to.” 

“And who does she belong to?” Clarke challenged, raising an eyebrow. 

Lexa’s lips curled up even more. 

“ **_Heda_ ** ...and only **_Heda_ **.”

 


	6. Return of a Warrior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa wakes to a warm body and comfy bed, something that she hasn't experienced in ages. She and Clarke speak of the old days and try to enjoy the seemingly relaxing morning. However, the relaxation is short-lived, when Jace burst into the room, bearing news of a return of a missing warrior. 
> 
> OR 
> 
> Lexa wakes to Clarke and I get inspo from Clexa AU's and that gets incorporated into their convo. Then Jace goes kicking down doors and SOMEONE returns and shit gets deep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Clexakru, 
> 
> FINALLY A NEW CHAPTER. Sorry for being so inactive. I can explain, really. I'll put it in the notes down below so you can choose whether or not you really want to read about my life. Comments are welcome. I need some new tea in my life as well. 
> 
> THANK YOU TO MY DEAREST READEST FOR THE KUDOS AND HITS. I didn't think this fic would get too far, and almost wanted to stop writing it during October because I wasn't really in a good place during that month, but then Clexa always cheered me up and I didn't want to let you guys down, because yeah, it sucks when you're like 10 chapters in and then you realize that the author never finished writing the story and the last time they updated was in 2016, yanno what I mean? 
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> ** ALSO NOTE: 
> 
> I APOLOGIZE FOR MY WRITING, SO A STARTED OUT THIS CHAPTER IN AROUND AUGUST AND HAD ABOUT A TWO MONTH BREAK AND RECENTLY STARTED WRITING AGAIN AND WE'VE BEEN READING A FAREWELL TO ARMS BY HEMINGWAY IN ENGLISH CLASS AND I'M AFRAID SOME OF HEMINGWAY'S WRITING STYLES OF CHOPPY, OBJECTIVE SENTENCES HAS FOUND ITS WAY INTO MY WRITING STYLE SO THE WRITING IN THIS CHAPTER KIND OF SHIFTS FROM LONGER SENTENCES AT THE START INTO SHORTER ONES TOWARDS THE END OF THE CHAPTER.

When Lexa woke, she couldn’t remember where she was. She’d grown so accustomed to waking slumped over her desk, or on the couch, or even in her throne room. The last time she slept in her bed had probably been before the fall of the mountain. Lexa figured that she’d forgotten what the comfort of her bed felt like. She’d grown used to waking to tense muscles and knots in her shoulders, but this morning, the only thing she felt was a pleasant soreness between her legs and warm furs around her body. 

 

However, her comfort was short-lived, as she felt arms curl around her waist and someone’s body pull her close. This caused her to tense involuntarily, trying to recall what had happened last night. 

 

“Are you awake?” Clarke’s sleepy voice caused Lexa’s body to relax. Lexa’s mind chuckled at her. She’d hated Clarke at first, but now, here she was, curled up in the arms of the Skaikru leader. Lexa turned around to face Clarke, ignoring the wave of cool air that bit her bare shoulders as her furs slid down from them. Her eyes met droopy blue ones. Lexa smiled. 

 

“The real question is, Klark,” Lexa rasped in her morning voice, “Are you?” Clarke gave Lexa a sleepy smile, warming the commander’s heart. 

 

“Good point Lexa,” Clarke whispered, closing her eyes and pulling Lexa closer, snuggling into the brunette’s body. “As you can probably tell, I’m not an early bird.”

 

“An early bird? You can not be a bird, you are a person.” Lexa scrunched her eyebrows in confusion. 

 

Clarke laughed out loud. Not like a small chuckled, but full out laughter. Lexa was still confused, but she melted a little under Clarke’s gentle gaze. 

 

“I’ve completely forgotten how different our people are…” Clarke murmured into Lexa’s chest, breathing in the smell of pine that lingered on Lexa’s body. Lexa’s hand played with Clarke’s blonde hair that spilled across the furs. Clarke looked up, catching Lexa’s eyes. “Do you ever wonder what it would’ve been like if we were normal?”

 

“Normal?” Lexa raised her eyebrows, surprised. “How would you define normal?”

 

“You know, like it was the old world? If you weren’t the commander of the clans and I wasn’t some Skaikru person.”

 

“Klark, I… I cannot imagine myself anything other than being Heda.” 

 

Clarke’s wide smile fell a bit, remembering that Lexa had been raised all her life for this role. How Lexa had been raised all her life preparing to die at any moment. However, Clarke continued to speak. 

 

“I’ll tell you then.” She curled up closer to Lexa, watching the brunette’s green eyes flutter. Then, she realized that there was something she didn’t know. 

 

“Wait, how old are you, Lexa?” 

 

Lexa was surprised by the question, and her eyebrows rose. “I? I am nineteen summers, Klarke.”

 

Clarke nodded her head approvingly as if Lexa had just announced a victory over war. 

 

“Alright, here’s what I think. I think we’d be living in one of the big cities, like New York City—” 

 

“Where is New York City?”

 

“It—I don’t know. I only ever read about it, but it was said to be one of the biggest and most famous cities in the world,” Clarke began to drift off with her thoughts. “The stories always described it that way…”

 

“Ah. Alright, continue please.”

 

Clarke rolled onto her back to stare at the ceiling. She tapped her head thoughtfully. “Where was I? Oh, New York City. Yes, we would be in college, you’d be a sophomore and I’d be a freshman, and—” 

 

“What is a college?” Lexa pondered thoughtfully, closing her eyes for a moment while tugging the furs a little higher onto her body. She blushed as she realized that she had interrupted Clarke once again. “My apologies, Klark, please continue—” 

 

“School.” 

 

“Pardon?” 

 

Clarke rolled onto her side again, facing Lexa. 

 

“College is a type of school,” Clarke stated. “You know how you teach the nightbloods how to be a commander? College was like that. Instead of warriors having seconds follow them around all the time, there would be people who were teachers and teachers only. Their only job would be to pass on the teachings to the students, and students wouldn’t be following one person around everywhere, but they would be interacting with specific teachers only. In college, people would specially pursue and learn about what they wanted to do when they became older. Back then, they would go to college for four years, from about 18 summers to 22 summers. The different years of the college would be split into first year, second year, third year, and fourth year. Some other colleges had more or fewer years, and sometimes you had to stay for longer if you wanted to do certain things.” 

 

“What about soft-more and fresh man? I do not understand how you would become a man just because you go to college? And how would I be softer?” Lexa’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

 

Clarke grinned. “No, it’s just names for the different years. The first year is freshman, the second, sophomore; third, junior; the fourth, senior. At this age, I would be a first year, and you would be a second year.”

 

“Oh... you are a summer younger than I?” Lexa exclaimed in surprise. 

 

Clarke smiled. “So it seems.”

 

Lexa shook it off. “And where do you see the two of us at college?” 

 

“I… I don’t know either, but I think I may have an idea. See, I think I would be studying medicine to become a doctor, and making art on the side. And you,” Clarke poked Lexa’s arm, drawing a shy smile out of the girl, “I think you would be studying something like political science, or economics.” Clarke’s fingers trace patterns onto Lexa’s skin. “I feel like you would be that one student who is always caught up with the news of politics and business and trade, you would do it all to help other people. We would owe nothing to our people, but you would still help them because you would think it to be your responsibility.” 

 

The corners of Lexa’s mouth curled up just the slightest. “Is that so?”

 

Clarke nodded. “Yes, after all, I think you would be finding ways to change the world, just like how you have done in the past with the clans.” 

 

“We would be studying different subjects then, Klark. How would we know each other? How would we meet?”

 

Clarke traced a finger down the side of Lexa’s cheek. “I think we would meet by accident. Maybe it was raining outside and we were stuck under the same small awning by a store. Or I run into you at the market buying food. Or maybe we would meet at the same party that our friends invited us to and find out that our friends were dating each other.” Lexa nodded her head, listening intently as Clarke continued, gazing into her green eyes. 

 

Clarke continued. “You would be the shy one, and avoid making eye contact with me. And when I would try to talk to you, I think you would be the one stuttering over your words, instead of me. And in the end, I would be the one to ask you if you wanted to meet up with me again.” At that, Lexa frowned. 

 

“Klark, I am not a coward,” Lexa stated. 

 

“No, no,” Clarke hastily replied. “I’m not saying you’re a coward.” A chilly breeze blew through the room and Clarke pulled up the furs to cover her exposed skin as well. “But let me finish. There’s a lot that we could be, had we lived back then. I think that you’d be playing a sport, maybe softball? And you would be very good at it, and have a lot of athletic friends, but overall, I still think that you would be a shy person.” 

 

“What’s softball?” 

 

“Oh, it’s a type of game where there are two teams and people have to hit a ball with a bat and run around things called bases to score points. I’ve never played it either, but I’ve read it in the books that we used to have on the Ark. Maybe one day we can gather a few warriors together and practice.” 

 

Lexa’s smile turned sad. “I’m afraid my being a commander would restrict me to such activities.” 

 

“We’ll find a way to make it work,” Clarke promised, shifting over so her head was lying on Lexa’s chest. “We’ll find a way.” 

 

A series of loud knocks sounded on the bedroom door before it flew open and Jace’s head popped into the room. He took one look at the position that Clarke and Lexa were in, and immediately, his face turned crimson. 

 

“I, uh, apologies, Heda, I didn’t mean to—” Jace stuttered. 

 

Lexa shifted softly so that Clarke was sliding off her body and onto the sheets. She sat upright, wrapping some of the furs around her body to cover it. “It’s alright. What news do you bring?” 

 

Jace’s eyes shone brightly. “The general is alive! Anya— Anya has returned! She is at the tower entrance!” At that he disappeared, the door clicking shut as it slid back into place by itself. 

 

At that, both Clarke and Lexa’s jaws dropped. Lexa turned to Clarke incredulously. Her gaze narrowed the slightest at Clarke’s pale cheeks. Had they been so pale before? Was it because of fear that Anya knew something that she did not want to be shared? Did Clarke truly care? Or was this all an act all along? 

 

Dozens of questions ran across Lexa’s mind as she spoke, questioning Clarke, “Did you know of this?” 

 

Clarke’s gaze whipped back to her surprised and offended. “What do you mean did I— No way. Lexa.” Her voice shook as she pulled back. “You think I’m lying, right? You don’t believe me. No, you think I wanted to kill her and leave her to die… is that right?” She turned away, unable to stop the growing sadness in her chest. Looking at the young commander was making it worse. 

 

Lexa didn’t try to deny the dark thoughts that were nagging at the back of her mind. “Clarke, you know how I am.” She gently tapped her temple out of habit and then her chest, the left side of it, where the heart was relatively located. “Head over heart.” 

 

When Clarke turned her gaze back Lexa, she was already half-dressed, with a scowl on her face and a single tear of anger ran down her cheek. 

 

“Are you shitting me.” 

 

“Clarke…” Lexa started to say, reaching for the blonde. However, Clarke jerked away. 

 

“You know, I thought that by now, you would understand.” With that, she pulled on her shirt and stormed from the room, the door slamming shut with a loud thud as it closed. 

 

Lexa stared after Clarke wistfully. She was still kind of hoping that the door would somehow open again by itself, and Clarke would be standing on the other side, and everything would be alright. She quickly dressed in her normal clothing, and then attached the commander’s cog to the center of her forehead, using a bit of pine glue to keep it in place. The shoulder pauldron was set in place, with a flowing red cloth attached to it. Her sword sheath was looped through the sides of her belt, and several daggers were strapped around her body. 

 

Reaching for the eyeblack, Lexa hastily applied it over the areas surrounding her eyes and left the room, heading toward the elevators. In the elevator, she took the time to gather her thoughts, but she couldn’t stay calm. 

 

Anya was alive, she thought giddily. Lexa blinked before smiling widely as if she had discovered something new. 

 

Anya _is_ alive. 

 

-100-100-100-

 

It took a while for Lexa to reach the ground floor. After all, her quarters were pretty much on the second to last highest floor. When she stepped out of the elevator and headed out of the front doors of the tower, she saw a group of warriors crowding around in a circle further down the street, and some civilians peering at them curiously. Lexa walked over and shuffled her way to the center and—

 

“Anya!” Lexa cried out loud. The former Trikru general looked over in surprise at the sound of Lexa’s voice. Anya cut through the group of warriors surrounding her and made her way to Lexa, holding her arm out for Lexa to take. Lexa, however, completely ignored the arm and tackled Anya into a tight embrace, causing some of the other warriors to cheer their approval, and a few even joined in the embrace, making it a giant ball of laughter and joy. 

 

Lexa felt Anya smile into the side of her head. Anya’s voice spoke quietly but playfully, “It’s nice to see you, too, my dear cousin.” 

 

The brunette pulled back slightly to take a good look at her former mentor, and she frowned at the sight before her. Anya had lost a lot of weight— her prominent cheekbones were now seemingly jutting out of her face frame. Her normally long, blonde braided hair was now short and choppy, and the dyed blonde was growing out and the brown of Anya’s hair was growing back again. Her once muscular and poised figure was now much bonier, and now, she walked with a slightly hunched back, leaning forward just a little. Anya wore farmer’s clothing; she did not look like the mighty general of the Commander’s army anymore. The only object that still held a bit of Anya’s former life was the general’s signature bronze sword, which was attached to the blonde’s back. 

 

The group embrace slowly loosened and separated, and Lexa’s voice rang through the crowds. 

 

“Spread the word, my fellow warriors and countrymen, for our presumed lost general has found her way back to us! Let us celebrate tonight!” The people around her roared with approval and the crowds dispersed quickly. Anya and Lexa fell into a steady pace, walking down the street, toward the direction of the Polis Tower again. They began to talk about politics again, with Lexa telling Anya about the ambassador she kicked off her tower balcony, and Anya silently nodding her approval. 

 

Anya told Lexa about how these two merchants found her in somehow still alive and on her feet, stumbling by the edge of the Trikru forests, and took her in and tended to her bullet wound. She told Lexa how the bullet was still inside of her, and how she had not been able to stand completely straight ever since. 

 

“Anya kom Trikru,” a voice cut into the conversation. Lexa turned in surprise, recognizing Clarke’s voice. Anya turned as well. 

 

“Ah,” Anya muttered, a small smile playing on her lips. “Clarke kom Skaikru. Alas, we meet again.” 

 

Clarke froze in a moment of surprise, her eyes still slightly red from most likely her tears of anger and hurt from Lexa. “You heard… Oh.” 

 

“ **_Sha_ ** _(Yes)_ , I did,” Anya stated, her eyes soft. “I wanted to thank you for taking the braids though, Clarke.” Lexa glanced at Clarke in surprise realizing what Anya was talking about. “I was caught off guard that you still remembered what happened with Tris. You have a good heart.” 

 

“I thought you’d died.” 

 

“As did I,” Anya replied calmly. “But you stayed, and you wished me well.” Anya paused. “And I’ve seen that you’ve brought down the mountain and made peace.” 

 

Lexa watched in concern as Clarke froze in her place. A wave of emotions flitted across the young medic’s face, from cheerful to sadness to anger and then… pain. Anguish was written over her pale feature as Clarke turned, choking on an “excuse me” and fleeing from Anya and Lexa. 

 

“Wait, Clarke!” Lexa reached out to grab the blonde, but Clarke slipped out of her vision, blending perfectly with the crowded streets of normal people. 

 

Anya was gaping after the blonde when Lexa turned back to look at her mentor. Had the situation no been so depressing, she might’ve cracked a smile at Anya’s expression, maybe even laughed out loud. But all Lexa could think about was the pain on Clarke’s face. 

 

Anya shook out of her shock and stuttered, “ Did- did I say something wrong?” 

 

Lexa shook her head, sighing. “Clarke is not in a great place right now, Anya.” 

 

Anya nodded her understanding. “ **_Sha_ ** _(Yes)_ , that was insensible of me.” After a brief moment of silence, Anya stated, “It has been months since I last saw her, but she seems like a different person… it is like she’s missing. Maybe destroying the mountain also destroyed a part of her.” 

 

Lexa weighed the words. Of course, the mountain changed Clarke. In fact, destroying the mountain probably had taken away any chance of Clarke ever being happy again. 

 

“Anya.”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I’m going to go after Clarke.” 

 

“Alright. I’ll see you later tonight—wait, did you say you are going after Clarke?” Anya’s eyes narrowed with suspicion at Lexa. Lexa stared back with a single raised eyebrow. “No way, Lexa. You care for her.” 

 

“Anya, why do you always ruin the moment?” Lexa grumbled, turning away from her cousin to the direction where she last saw Clarke walking. “I will see you later.” At that, she began to walk down the street, squeezing by a few small crowds of buyers. 

 

“PICK UP YOUR FEET, LEXA, I TRAINED YOU TO BE A WARRIOR, NOT A TORTOISE!” Anya’s voice bellowed from behind her and Lexa choked on a laugh, drawing a few curious eyes from the crowds. A couple of children stared at her adoring. She waved at them. They waved back. 

 

After three misleading trails, Lexa found Clarke at a small Polis tavern, drinking a vintage drink called “tequila”. There was no one in the tavern at this time of day, except for her, Clarke, and the bartender. She sighed before heading up to Clarke’s side, nodding apologetically at the bartender, a young man in seeming around twenty summers or so old, around Lexa’s age. He smiled shyly at the commander, dipping his head slightly in respect. 

 

“Clarke,” Lexa stated, taking away the small glass cup from the blonde’s hands. Clarke pouted. “You should not be drinking.” 

 

“Leave me alone, Lexaaaa,” Clarke slurred, her body swaying unsteadily as she stood up, reaching for her drink. Lexa quickly gave it to the bartender before apologizing and asking if she could have some privacy with Clarke. The bartender nodded quickly before untying his small apron. 

 

“What is your name?” Lexa asked, Clarke still slurring incoherent sentences. 

 

The bartender replied quietly, “Atlas.” After removing his apron, he poured two glasses of water for Clarke and Lexa before moving toward the door. 

 

“Atlas,” Lexa stated, testing the name on her tongue. “Thank you.”

 

Atlas nodded and silently slipped outside. Lexa turned her attention back to the blonde at her side. Clarke was gazing blankly at the water. 

 

“Clarke,” Lexa said, realizing that the blonde’s cheeks were tear-stained and her head was drooping. She grabbed the glass of water and brought it to the younger girl’s lips. “Drink.”

 

Clarke obediently opened her mouth and tipped her slightly forward to drink the water. But almost immediately, she pulled away. Her entire body swayed, and Lexa caught her arm.

 

“Klark,” Lexa spoke softly, seeing that Clarke was about to fall. “You need to sit.” 

 

Clarke backed up against a wall and slid down staring at her hands, which were shaking badly. Her chest heaved with short gasps and her face was pale. 

 

“Klarke,” Lexa tired again “Look at me. You need to look at me.” Glazed, cloudy blue eyes met Lexa’s piercing gaze. 

“You see them, too,” Clarke murmured, eyes closing and taking Lexa by surprised. “How do you push the pain away?” A tear ran down her cheek. “How do you stop _feeling_? 

 

Lexa froze. The faces flashed in front of her eyes. Tris, with her choppy braids and the face she had died with, mouth open, choking on her own blood. Luna’s twin brother, with the widest grin, falling to the ground with smiling with pride at Lexa, even with black blood pooling at his stomach. Anya’s mother, who cooked the best deer meat in the entire Ton DC and could pick out spices with her eyes closed, left leg shattered and holding up an arm and telling Lexa to “GO! GO! GO!” as she sacrificed herself to the wolves. Heda Lukas, with the moments of silent pride for Lexa flashing in his eyes, kneeling on the battlefield, bleeding out and dying beside his dead lover. And Costia, oh, Costia. 

 

Costia, with those blue eyes; they were just a shade darker than Clarke’s. Clarke’s eyes might have held a summer’s day, but Costia’s held the sea and the night sky and the constellations were only ever truly seen when they were reflected off of Costia’s eyes. 

 

Costia, with her sweet, but charming smile, and the dimples and the beauty marks sprinkled softly across her cheeks and the scar on her chin that she got when she fell off a tree when she was seven years old. Costia, with her old soul yet youthful boldness, her forgiving heart and her fiery temper, quick to ignite and yet quick to forgive. Costia, with all of her love and endless summer and—

 

“You don’t.” Lexa cut her own thoughts off, voice thick with emotion from all of her memories. Her vision was blurry, too, tears threatening to spill. “We are leaders, Klark.” She knew her voice cracked even though she could barely hear anything over the ringing in her ears. “We must bear the pain for our people do not have to.” 

 

Clarke sniffled. Lexa looked away, keeping the tears at bay. After several moments, Lexa turned back and held out her arm for a slightly more sober Clarke to take. Clarke eyes Lexa’s arm warily as if it were an animal about to bite her arm off. 

 

Lexa smiled sadly. “Come, Klark. You must sleep it off. I…” Lexa’s voice faded off as Clarke grasped her arm. “I was wrong. But my people, you know they will always come first.” Clarke scowled, as Lexa tried to lighten the situation. “Just get some sleep… Tonight, maybe you will understand.” 

 

Reluctantly, Clarke stood shakily and allowed herself to be pulled up the commander. 

 

Slower, and in complete silence, the duo stumbled their way out of the tavern, toward the direction of the Polis Tower, not even noticing as they walked past Atlas, who stood outside leaning against the wall. 

 

Atlas watched the two do an interesting three-legged walking as Heda stood strong and tall and Wanheda leaned heavily on her. Then, he tore his gaze from the two, and headed back into the tavern, tying the apron around his waist and setting to work. 

 

There was a celebration to prepare for. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, where do I start? 
> 
> Sorry, I've been SO inactive. My school schedule is a MESS and I'm currently taking four AP courses and volunteering like 4 hours each Saturday and I have AP Chinese all day on Sundays and then my endless amount of activities at my school and the Mock Trial Case came out just last week and I STILL HAVE YET TO LOOK OVER EVERYTHING and my school's mini-THON event is coming up soon (you probably don't know what it is, but you're welcome to search it up and donate some because it's for a really good cause and all the money we raise goes to kids with pediatric cancer) and I'm a THON captain AND a class officer and I have so much to do from calling like EVERYONE IN MY GRADE to filing and counting money and just AHHHHH and I've recently been talking to my ex and we're on pretty friendly terms right now and now I kinda miss her because she was always there for me when I was stressed but now we don't talk as much anymore and she has a new girl and and all that and I wish her the best but still you get what I mean??? But yeah and then there's this guy that I really like and he's one of the four class officers too but then we're completely different (like, he's complete jock and all while and I do the arts and play instruments and draw and write) and I really don't stand a chance with him and I don't even know why I hold onto the hope so maybe I should just stick with girls instead they're easier to flirt with and shit but anyways that's just me ranting about my life and I've fallen from my straight A track record to a B+ in math and it's because I didn't try hard or study enough so I'm kind of disappointed in myself too. 
> 
> Oh well. 
> 
> Enough of my life. 
> 
> I'll try to update soon. Stay tuned. 
> 
> Hope each and every one of you will have an amazing day! 
> 
> <3, S. Lynn :)

**Author's Note:**

> Stay tuned for upcoming chapters :)


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